So, it all started when I was doing what good hippie moms do for their children: Eat their kids’ Easter candy. (All the fun is in the hunt anyway).
The kids were in bed and I was digging into the organic treats and watching Mad Men, nonchalantly placing my hand in the bag and, by feel, sifting through the plastic eggshells and the candy pieces I wanted.
I pulled up what I thought was a hard shelled candy that had broken open where I felt a caramel or partially melted chocolate center. I went to place it in my mouth when I immediately realized whatever I was trying to bite into was a living creature, not a delicious chocolate candy.
I spit gagged whatever was in my mouth back into the candy bag where the little being’s identity was revealed- a snail.
Oh, the horror…
The pesticide/insecticide-free garden where the boys joyously were hunting for their eggs allowed for a happy little snail to attach itself to one of the plastic eggs, and he almost met his demise by being eaten alive by its collector’s candy-crazed mother.
Moments after my escargot carpaccio experience, I sat back and realized I smelled burnt plastic. I thought one of my beeswax candles was burning too close to one of the BPA free cups I had just purchased. I moved the candle away from the cup, but the smell persisted. In the dim light I saw below Brian’s feet a warm glow of a fire…on the ground.
“FIRE!” I yelled. I couldn’t tell if Brian was laughing because he completely missed a fire under his feet, or because I was overreacting and behaving as if we had a room engulfed in flames and the actual kindling spot was about the size of half-dollar.
Our charred conventional carpet.
It turns out my incense had somehow fallen on the ground and caught our carpet on fire. I think it was a sign that we should switch to an eco-friendly cork floor. Brian took it as a sign to keep the incense away from where we rest our feet.
My hypochondriasis was in full motion as I realized we were inhaling toxic fumes from the carpet, and the snail had who-knows-what on it. I needed an immune system boost.
I grabbed the bottle of elderberry juice I had bought earlier that day. I mixed some with sparkling water and drank it as fast as possible. This was my first experience with elderberry, but within minutes of consumption I knew something was really wrong.
I started feeling violently ill. My heart was racing, but the worst part was the nausea. At that point, I was done with the night and went to bed.
The next morning I was expecting to feel better, but I couldn’t stop vomiting. I called my holistic doctor and it turns out I ODed on elderberry juice that was uncooked. Raw elderberry juice= mild cyanide poisoning.
My hippie immune system boost ended up backfiring on me because my vomiting session lasted about 24 hours, and as run down as I was, I had to make an appointment the following day and caught some awful virus that has been ‘going around’.
It gave me sore throat and a double eye infection. I tried to treat the symptoms of the eye infection at home with tea tree oil and lavender essential oil around the eye bone. I added too much tea tree oil to one area of my nose and it ended up burning half of it, then it peeled, and now it is in a weeping stage.
And I sit here tonight in utter defeat with my antibiotic eye drops, OTC conventional drugs (Mucinex), and the only drink that is settling my stomach- a diet coke.
Conclusion: I’m a s***** hippie. Kick me out of the club. Strip me of my hemp clothing, and take away my nag champa – I am not worthy of the moccasins on my feet.
