Brian and I went to PF Changs for dinner and I thought I was breaking out in hives from something I ate. (It turns out it was the lotion I was using.) Anyway, there were little bumps on my forearms and I started to freak out (I think it is important to note that I am a hypochondriac). We called my mom and Brian’s brother to ask what to do. Brian’s brother is a doctor and my mom is, well, my mom. They both said to go get cortisone cream.
So, off to Walgreen’s we went. By this point, panic had set in and I wanted to get that cream on me ASAP.
I jumped out of Brian’s car as soon as it pulled into the parking space, scraping my knee in the process, but it didn’t slow me down, I kept running like a lunatic.
I frantically ran to the first sales clerk and yelled, “Where is the cortisone cream!!!????” He looked at my frantic face and immediately yelled back, “aisle 8!”
I ran to aisle 8 and in big letters I saw CORTISONE. I didn’t feel like wasting time , so I pulled it out of the tube and started rubbing it on my arms. (Thank God no doctor was ever dumb enough to give me a prescription for an EpiPen.)
The placebo effect set in and I immediately felt better.
I strolled up to the open register (cool calm and collected now that I believed my magic cream had helped me escape imminent death) and set the empty box in front of the sales clerk.
Here is our conversation (which, at the time, I thought was very strange):
Her: (Peaks into the box to see nothing is in there and looks confused.)
Me: “Oh, don’t worry I put it in my purse. I put it on in the store; I had a bad reaction to something I ate and broke out in a rash.”
Her: “You put it on in the store?” ::Horrified look::
Me: Now questioning my judgment and getting a little irritated with her, “Yes, I did. I had a bad reaction to something I ate and I was breaking out. I got really nervous and just opened the tube and put it on in the aisle… geez, I hope that’s okay.”
Her: “Um, I guess so…..”
I went back to the car and threw the box down on the seat. Brian looked down at it and had a confused look on his face.
Brian: “Why did you buy that?”
Me: “Your brother told me to get it.”
Brian: “He told you to buy anal itch cream?!”
Me: (I grab the box and look in horror as I recall the conversation I just had with the sales clerk .) “Oh. My. God.”
And I never shopped there again.