How to Tell If You're a Hypochondriac -

Written by: Jamie

You may be a hypochondriac if…

You confuse the subtle signs of aging as a terminal disease, stroke, or nerve damage.
You know your body well. So well that even though you don’t practice Natural Family Planning, you still monitor your cervical mucus.
You have made needless trips in an ambulance or to the ER, only to feel much better once first responders or medical professionals greet you.
You avoid routine doctors appointments because you know they are just going to tell you that you’re dying.
You (or someone you love) force you to visit the scariest place in the world: the doctor’s office. They decide to run some routine blood tests, which prompts you keep your phone close so that you don’t miss a follow-up call. Of course, you expect terrible news.
When they do finally call back (a week or so later because non-emergencies get triaged accordingly), they tell you that you’re fine, but you remain skeptical. Dr. Google says otherwise.
If the doctors call you back immediately, you have a major panic attack before picking up the phone. It’s clear that it is bad news. You’re shocked when they tell you that you’re fine. The quick call back was because it was a slow day and they *know you* and felt it was best to update you immediately.
You have a texting relationship with your doctor…it looks something like this:
In public places, you are overwhelmed by disinfecting choices. Hand sanitizer= supergerms. Soap and water are great…except that faucet looks dirty and they only have those hand blowdryer things, which you read actually just is like a blast of germy-ness from all the people who used it and didn’t wash their hands long enough. (Yes, I watched you, and you definitely did not make it to the end of “Happy Birthday to You”….) Oh, and at some point you have to leave this restroom, but there are no paper towels nearby to open the door; now you’re thinking all your good work washing has gone to waste, and you really should have just held it.
Along with your internist, your dentist and your dermatologist recommend anti-anxiety medication. Extra points if your naturopath also suggests mainstream drugs for anxiety.
Any time you hear about a new disease, you suddenly start experiencing the symptoms.
You have the “is this a panic attack or a heart attack?” internal dialogue…sometimes it is gas, and that really throws you.
Your spouse sets up parental controls on the computer. Only, instead of blocking X-rated material, he has blocked WebMD and Mayo Clinic from your browser.
Heart disease, brain tumor, salmonella…you go down the list of possible diseases, until a few hours later, once you’re miraculously cured, you realize that it was a hangover.
Your heel breaks, and instead of thinking “something is wrong with my shoe,” you immediately think, “I have drop-foot.”
Any pain on a flight is mistaken for a blood clot.
You get water up your nose and then you worry about getting one of those brain eating amoebas from it.
Two words – Lymph nodes. Even the healthiest of nodes can drive you up a wall.
You worry about all of the unnecessary radiation exposure you have had from the needless tests that you have scared your doctors into ordering for you.
You lurk on health message boards. Power commenters confirm everyone is low in D and progesterone. You believe them…I mean, they seem credible enough…
You finally test your Vitamin D levels and they are shockingly within high-normal range. You assume a lab-error.
Your thyroid also tests normal. Dammit. You demand an ultrasound. Your doctor demands that you take a yoga class. You agree to take the class under one condition, that he orders the ultrasound. He obliges. You win.
You somehow end up taking unusually strange tests at your doctor. For instance, an H-pylori test where you have to drink a gross-flavored drink and put a tube in your nostrils. Results: normal. Also, this test is not covered by your insurance. Oh well, vacations are overrated anyway.
You suffer 2nd degree burns when caring for your husband who is suffering with the flu. Being the amazing wife that you are, you made him homemade tummy-easy superfood soup, but holding your breath for the duration of the time that you were in the room of his contagious cough has rendered you lightheaded, and the meal lands on top of you.
You are the only one in your family who never gets sick, but you are the most upset about getting sick when a virus is running through your home. That fear always ends up doing you more harm than good.
During cold and flu season your friends know to tell you their health status prior to coming over.
You secretly wish you could remove all internal organs that aren’t necessary for survival, just so you don’t have to worry about them becoming diseased.
When you (rarely) do come down with a common cold or flu, you lay in your sick bed trying to figure out who you can blame for your affliction. You need to know who was responsible!
You’re oddly calm about Ebola making it into the US. You have been expecting this for decades…
You thought “The Human Body” was a dark comedy.

Mar 31, 2015Jamie

How to Tell If You’re a Hypochondriac

You confuse the subtle signs of aging as a terminal disease, stroke, or nerve damage.

You know your body well. So well that even though you don’t practice Natural Family Planning, you still monitor your cervical mucus.

You have made needless trips in an ambulance or to the ER, only to feel much better once first responders or medical professionals greet you.

You avoid routine doctors appointments because you know they are just going to tell you that you’re dying.

You (or someone you love) force you to visit the scariest place in the world: the doctor’s office. They decide to run some routine blood tests, which prompts you keep your phone close so that you don’t miss a follow-up call. Of course, you expect terrible news.

When they do finally call back (a week or so later because non-emergencies get triaged accordingly), they tell you that you’re fine, but you remain skeptical. Dr. Google says otherwise.

You have a texting relationship with your doctor…it looks something like this:

Along with your internist, your dentist and your dermatologist recommend anti-anxiety medication. Extra points if your naturopath also suggests mainstream drugs for anxiety.

Any time you hear about a new disease, you suddenly start experiencing the symptoms.

You have the “is this a panic attack or a heart attack?” internal dialogue…sometimes it is gas, and that really throws you.

Your spouse sets up parental controls on the computer. Only, instead of blocking X-rated material, he has blocked WebMD and Mayo Clinic from your browser.

Heart disease, brain tumor, salmonella…you go down the list of possible diseases, until a few hours later, once you’re miraculously cured, you realize that it was a hangover.

Your heel breaks, and instead of thinking “something is wrong with my shoe,” you immediately think, “I have drop-foot.”

Any pain on a flight is mistaken for a blood clot.

You get water up your nose and then you worry about getting one of those brain eating amoebas from it.

Two words – Lymph nodes. Even the healthiest of nodes can drive you up a wall.

You worry about all of the unnecessary radiation exposure you have had from the needless tests that you have scared your doctors into ordering for you.

You lurk on health message boards. Power commenters confirm everyone is low in D and progesterone. You believe them…I mean, they seem credible enough…

You finally test your Vitamin D levels and they are shockingly within high-normal range. You assume a lab-error.

Your thyroid also tests normal. Dammit. You demand an ultrasound. Your doctor demands that you take a yoga class. You agree to take the class under one condition, that he orders the ultrasound. He obliges. You win.

You somehow end up taking unusually strange tests at your doctor. For instance, an H-pylori test where you have to drink a gross-flavored drink and put a tube in your nostrils. Results: normal. Also, this test is not covered by your insurance. Oh well, vacations are overrated anyway.

You are the only one in your family who never gets sick, but you are the most upset about getting sick when a virus is running through your home. That fear always ends up doing you more harm than good.

During cold and flu season your friends know to tell you their health status prior to coming over.

You secretly wish you could remove all internal organs that aren’t necessary for survival, just so you don’t have to worry about them becoming diseased.

When you (rarely) do come down with a common cold or flu, you lay in your sick bed trying to figure out who you can blame for your affliction. You need to know who was responsible!

You’re oddly calm about Ebola making it into the US. You have been expecting this for decades…

You thought “The Human Body” was a dark comedy.

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