The big news today is that St. Patrick was a murderous asshole, but that is still largely up for debate.
As much as I’d love to know the truth about Ireland’s patron saint, I’m actually more concerned about how the U.S. celebrates March 17th by dying everything green- including food that isn’t supposed to be green!
It’s green insanity!
When it comes to food coloring, I am careful with what my kids eat, but I’m not militant about it. I’m not going to deprive them of birthday cake at parties, or in situations when they are offered a piece of candy here and there.
Oh hell, who am I kidding?… It’s a free for all.
St. Patrick’s Day is the worst because everyone and their mother is handing out edible green shit.
A restaurant even tried to dye our eggs green today!
“Great! Pureed spinach?” I asked…
No, no…real green food makes too much sense.
In America, we only like our green food when it has been colored using FD&C Green No. 3 ….Which has a peculiar effect on my children (along with any other artificial food coloring) when consumed.
Something like this happens:
1. Allow them to eat artificially colored food and immediately regret it.
2. Wait for the side effects to kick in….
3. Hide (or call an exorcist)…
4. Wait it out..
And while I’m waiting I bring up the same points in my head.
Every. Single. Time.
- Why are food colorings allowed in the US when they are banned in other countries?
- Why does our food need to look like an art project?
- What is so unappetizing about a naturally hued cake?
- Has nature taught us nothing about avoiding brightly colored potential meals?
- Artificial food dye is basically as aposematic as it gets. It’s screaming, “Don’t eat me! You’ll be sorry!”
Oh, and we are sorry…
5. After hiding for what feels like a millennium, I eventually resurface to find this:
I always swear it will never happen again, but oh how soon we forget!
Now go enjoy your green beer!