Image by IANtB staff. Text by Elizabeth Grattan.
Look, I get it. It’s natural. It’s beautiful. It’s some sort of biological norm. But all this indecent exposure has got to stop. So, here, to settle the controversy once and for all is the definitive list of why you breastfeeding nuts need to cover up.
1. Breasts are private parts. They are just like men’s dicks. Sure, they aren’t classified as genitalia, but what difference does that really make? Women have been covering up their breasts since the days we were property and we need to get back to those good old days when only men were allowed to be topless because equality is just a bullshit extreme feminist argument and the female body is just different. Even though it isn’t.
2. Shitting is natural too, but you don’t see us all taking dumps in public. It’s exactly the same. So much so, that when I host dinner parties, I serve my morning load as a pâté.
3. So is peeing. Bodily fluids are bodily fluids. End of story. Milk and urine are the same thing. If you don’t believe me, just put some chocolate syrup in your bathroom and try it yourself. I do it all the time.
4. Having sex is a part of reproduction too but you don’t see me groping my partner on the train. Okay, maybe once, but we’d just come from seeing 50 Shades of Grey. The point is that my sex life is about as exciting as nursing a child. And I like it that way. Orgasms are over rated.
5. My children shouldn’t have to see that. I’m simply far too lazy to explain human anatomy to them and would rather my time be spent trolling comments while they search for old National Geographic catalogs on the internet.
6. Especially my boys. Let’s face it. Sexism is only when we are talking about women. You can’t be sexist against a man. All teenage boys are hormonal and all men see breasts and get hard-ons. They can’t control it. The reason lips and hands and legs are different is because I don’t use those parts of my body for sex (See #4).
7. Pumps are readily available. I never used one because it hurt like a bitch but you should because I don’t want to see your tit. And don’t use that excuse that your baby won’t take a bottle. If you can shove your breasts in my face, you can force that thing down your kid’s throat.
8. And yes, you are shoving it in my face. I always invade the personal space of strangers so that their body parts are inches from my eyes. Think about that the next time you sit next to me and hear me whine.
9. Speaking of, quit cramming it down my throat also. I’m sure in that big old diaper bag you have all the tools to strap me down and tape my mouth open so you can squirt your leaky boob into my esophagus. Just like that movie my husband and I saw. Same thing.
10. That’s what covers are for. For a measly twenty five bucks you can wear a mini burqa over your breast and teach your infant from the start that some people are just supposed to eat in the dark. And don’t complain it might get hot under there. I don’t care. My comfort trumps the fact that your child can’t regulate temperature.
11. There are perverts everywhere. Some people might call that victim blaming, but those people are idiots. The point is that we are supposed to be cautious and never ever do anything that might lead someone to harm us. This is why I wear boots on the beach. Because I’ve heard of those foot fetish people and I need to be safe. Same thing.
12. You’re enticing my husband. And that’s bullshit. Our marriage is rocky enough as it is (see #4) and I don’t need him getting tempted at the sight of your breast. He doesn’t even get to see my breasts. After all, they are private.
13. This is a sacred moment. Keep it that way. This is why when our family goes to the mall, we take our over processed food court lunch to the bathroom and pray over it. Because nothing says sacred like breaking bread over the toilet. Besides, food and feces are the same thing. (see #2).
14. Plan your day better. It’s not my fault you decided to give birth and didn’t make arrangements to better decorate your kitchen so you’d enjoy it in there. Having children means making sacrifices. And women need to remember that might mean not being out in public. If you can’t figure out how to train an infant to eat on schedule within the first week of labor that’s your fault.
15. You’re only doing it for attention. I’m a narcissist. I know that every single thing other people do is because they want to attract my attention. If you don’t believe me, ask my mother.
16. I’m eating and it’s just gross to see. Look, I haven’t even stepped outside the streets of my neighborhood, let alone visited the developing world. So I’ve never seen children drink sewage water or die from hunger. That’s why witnessing a child get nourishment is disgusting to me. I have no frame of reference. As long as I’m fed, that’s what matters.
17. You think you are so entitled. I’ve never read the Constitution, let alone my own state statutes. Dictionaries are over rated too. Who says people should be entitled to their rights? Where does that even come from? Besides, I don’t believe women should have rights anyway (see #1).
18. Plus, that child is too big to be breastfeeding. When my pediatrician told me to give my child whole milk, I laughed at him. There is no reason young humans need to have milk to develop their brains. That’s absurd. I know this because I read the same anatomy book I used to teach my children.
19. It’s just not civilized. We aren’t animals. Well, okay, we are. But a hundred years ago that all changed because that’s how evolution works. If the universe can evolve in 6 days, humans can change in a century. How could you not know this? You must not have gotten your school books from Texas.
20. Listen, this is about mutual respect. And compromise. Here’s the gist of it all. You simply don’t respect me. You don’t care about getting along in society. You don’t think it matters that what you are doing makes me uncomfortable. That makes you a bitch. Who cares if it’s oppressive? Who cares if my view is ignorant? That’s not the point. You are supposed to respect that I am personally offended by what I’m using my own eyes to see and in turn, sacrifice your rights to make me happy. It’s really very easy. Don’t be selfish. Think more of me (see #15).
There you have it. No more excuses. The next time some woman whips out her tit like some sort of classless exhibitionist just to feed her kid – give her this list. Print it out on a handy little card and carry it with you. And if anyone asks how you know these are legit, just tell them I breastfed my children too. So that automatically makes me an authority. And don’t try to tell me that is a fallacy in reasoning. I don’t even know what that means.
This piece originally published on March 12, 2015.