Conversation about adoption can be tricky. A seemingly benign comment can cause an adoptive parent to lash out in protection of their family.
I’ve received many emails from people quite upset. They are experiencing negativity from friends or acquaintances when asking about adoption.
The questions themselves are harmless. However, the terms used are offensive.
I find this whole situation frustrating, and I get a bit disappointed in my fellow adoptive parents. We have all had a friend or stranger ask a question about adoption that makes us cringe. Be that as it may, most of us know the intended meaning, understand the person is not being malicious, and clearly not educated in adoption (that is why they are asking the question to begin with.)
That is why I think it never okay to be angry with someone wanting to understand our lives a bit better. Educating people in a compassionate manner is the best way to get people to listen to what you are saying, and also draws our community closer through understanding.
I’ve had adoptive parents tell me that it isn’t their job to educate strangers – people should mind their own business. I have to agree there is some truth to this. However, all someone is doing when giving a short aggravated response is allowing the recipient to remain ignorant, while also implanting a seed of negativity on the topic of adoption.
If you have been the one attacked by an adoptive parent – I’m sorry.
I would like to address three politically incorrect questions adoptive parents are asked, and explain why some terminology is offensive
What Not To Say To Adoptive Parents:
Awesome post, thanks, J. I find that I stick my foot in my mouth more when I learn that a child I thought was biological is in fact adopted. For example “Oh! I had no idea you were pregnant!” recently popped out of my mouth. Cringe.
But I think partially thanks to you, when I meet a family where one or more of their children is most certainly adopted, I don’t even blink an eye.
Thanks Whit!
No, what you said was not cringe-worthy at all! That was probably funny to them. I would think it was!
I was adopted in 1960. My parents told no one ahead besides those they asked for references because they didn’t know when or if they would be able to adopt. They received “the call” just a few days before they brought me home. A young, beautiful divorcee (back when a divorced woman was scandalous) lived next door. She was having her driveway asphalted, so she parked her red convertible T-bird in our driveway for several days. A nosy neighbor called my mom a few days later to “tattle” on my dad. She told my mom that my dad was having an affair with the neighbor while my mom was in the hospital recuperating from her delivery (back in the days of ten-day-long hospital stays). My mom thought it was hilarious and still tells the story. She will be 90 years old in January.
Oh my gosh! I love this story! I calling my mom right now to tell it to her!
It always shocks me the stuff people will say to other parents. It’s so rude and thoughtless. Thanks for the great tips and reminder about how not to insult and upset an adoptive family.
Thanks Christina!
Thank you for sharing this post. I too stick my food in my mouth many times. And you do have a beautiful family!
Thanks Jennifer! Oh gosh, I hope this post isn’t making people feel self conscious about things they have said in the past! That wasn’t my intention at all!
As an adoptive parent who is NOT easily offended (I am always preaching “take it from whence it comes”) I LOVE this post. I’m sick of all the anger, as much as I am sick of all the ignorance.
Some other doozies:
Does she speak Russian? (dd was adopted at 6 mo)
So where did she get those brown eyes? (ummm… her bio parents? just a wild guess…)
Does she want to find her “Real” Parents (there are a million ways to insert real and natural into follow up questions)
None of this offends me, generally, but the one that gets me every time has to do with the fact that we adopted first and then had bio kids. This was 100% by choice and not due to any infertility anything (adoption was literally my first choice). So of course I get comments occasionally about how great it is that after we adopted we were finally “able” to have our own.
Then again I got similar stuff when my third was a boy. “You finally got your boy!” Clearly these people were not around when I found out I was having a boy and sobbed three days about having to get rid of all the cute tea sets and ballerina costumes. Love love love my guy but honestly I was not “going for the boy”.
People are just dumb, ultimately. What are you going to do? I used to love to walk around malls and parks with my blondini adopted baby daughter and my half asian bio niece and nephew and have strangers approach me and ask were I adopted the twins from (they are close in age and looked like adorable twins) and I would say “oh they’re mine, but she’s adopted from Russia” and point to the baby and walk away why they were still trying to puzzle it all out. Hee!
Ciaran, I am so glad to know there are other adoptive moms that are also not easily offended. I was beginning to think I was the only one!
Oh yes! I agree. We also adopted by choice (we were planning on adopting first like you, but Aram was a wonderful big surprise!) and people always want to know about my infertility. I was actually going to put something in about that, as well….but I didn’t want to make the parents who adoptive and are infertile to think I was suggesting superiority over them. Adoption is a true journey and everyone gets there because of different reasons. People need to realize that! It’s not a second choice, it’s the right choice for the family who chooses it, regardless of whether or not they are capable of gestating children.
Oh, and yes! The boy question! Since Samuel is older everyone assumes we adopted him first, then had our bio son. We get the pity of, “well, are you going to try again for a girl?” We were open to either gender, but we knew very well we would most-likely get a referral for a pre-school aged boy. We love having two boys, it worked out perfect for us.
LOL people are dumb. A woman at coldwater canyon park the other day asked if I was running a daycare (with two kids- my children!) and she was totally serious.
You write so well!
People can be very offensive without realizing it- I’ve been known to put my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion, although I am not looking to be hurtful!
Oh Tara, don’t worry about it. I was hoping to convey in this message that most of us understand! It’s not your fault if you don’t know!
Jamie – Is it wrong to say “You’re all lucky you found each other?” I really believe that… it starts with your partner, who you wanted to create a family with, and then you bring in baby…
Thoughts?
dlg
Well, I certainly wouldn’t be offended.
However, that exact phrase has come up on other adoption blogs and message boards- A lot of people don’t like it.
Here are there reasons why (I find it a bit nit picky- so take from this what you will…these are their opinions not mine):
“Luck” implies something like a lottery winning. A mother on one of the boards said that she felt because she was infertile it was almost condescending to hear that, like “look you finally got one!” And for a child luck implies that he or she was one of the few randomly selected out of desolation to come to the riches of a family, while the others in the orphanage aren’t lucky.
“Found” maybe for the parent this is okay, but it suggests the child was lost and in despair before they came along. Perpetuating the adoptive savior.
Maybe people would respond better to “you are so luck to have each other.” Something that you could also say to a biological family…
but really…I think people are oversensitive, so if you wanted to keep saying it I would have your back! I just wanted to let you know what i’ve heard.
I have been told all these same comments. It is so irritating! The one that makes me want to punch people is when people ask me who their “real mom” is!
Shelby, I don’t think I knew you were also an adoptive mom…or maybe I did, but forgot it was you! How cool. I love that there are so many of us in MomsLA that have adopted! It’s nice to have other people that have been through the same process and understand all of this.
I love your loving and positive attitude about people asking the questions. I love your perspective about educating rather than planting a negative seed. People (most likely) mean no harm and we can’t just walk around life getting offended by everything and everyone without being a glass half empty kind of person. Great post and God bless!
Thanks Anna! We’ve all said offensive things in a harmless manner! There is no reason to humiliate or offend someone who was attempting to be kind!
So glad you share the same view!
great post. i do think i get irritated more often then i should at people’s dumb questions. mostly b/c i don’t think of my self as an “adoptive mom” most of my daily hours, i’m just a mom, and when somebody says somethnig ignorant i have to deal with them and i have to deal with them in front of my boys.
the thing that botters me the most is when i can tell people are telling my family’s story (behind my back) when i am in public with my children. for instance, this weekend i was at my cousins son’s first bday party and there were a lot of people there who i didn’t know. i over heard my aunt saying “she adopted him b/c she didn’t think she could have a child and then she got pregnant, i knew that was going to happen”. the better thing would be to say if someone asks or is looking confused (my family is also transracial) is that she has one adopted son and one biolgical son and leave it at that. my fertility is no one’s business and certainly does not need to be discussed.
oh man, I’m sorry. I get it, it is annoying to hear people (especially when you know them!) talk about you in that way. That information is too personal to throw around like that to people you don’t know. I am a very open person, but I want to be the one telling the story, not my friends or family. Everyone knows that the story always changes when that happens, anyway!
I think people are offensive in general…. to adoptive parents, pregnant woman, gay couples, you name it people will find a way to say stupid things. It’s awful.
LOL
I tell you what hurts, not necessarily “offensive”, is when someone pats you on the arm, when you have miscarried, and say, “Well, don’t worry, you can always get pregnant again.” They did NOT intend to crush you like a bug, they did NOT think it would hurt you! But, oh my how does it hurt. This came from someone who loved me. I just cried more, but it had just happened, and she was trying to comfort me. To this day, I remember that, but in my heart she did not mean to hurt me. Heck, we were both young, and had not had life experiences. I have not adopted……..Had a friend who adopted two boys, within 6 months of each other. First one was a brown baby, next one was a platinum blonde, blue eyed little boy. She tossed them into the grocery carts and shopped at the local store. People would stare, and wonder about the relationship. She told everyone they were “twins”, and just got a big charge out of their open mouths!! They have had more fun with this. Later, after age 40, she had a biological child. She also has a granddaughter with Down Syndrome, and has always taken any question and answered it. Honest, and just enough info to satisfy the curious. That woman is a hero in my book, with her straight forward answers, and her ability to go with the flow!
Great post Jamie! I don’t think I’ve stuck a foot in my mouth before with adoption but reading this will make sure it never happens! Thanks for sharing.
Thank you!
What a great article! I love how you explain why a statement is offensive and then offer suggestions. Thank you for sharing such great information on adoption!
Thank you Kimberly! I hope it was helpful! I didn’t want to make anyone feel pressured into using certain wording or feel like they are walking on eggshells around adoptive parents. I just hope it helps explain our lives a bit better!
this is great, Jamie! I know a bunch of people who are planning or are in the process of adoption, so I’m glad to have your guidance early on =)
Thanks Christina! Are they adopting in Costa Rica or the States? I’d love to hear about the process over there!
What a GREAT post Jamie Lynn! Too often people are quick to get offended or annoyed when people ask questions or make comments than might seem in poor taste. It takes about the same amount of time to educate people a little bit as it does to spout off an angry rant. And at least with the former, there’s a chance that the person will walk away enlightened and think twice before saying something possible offensive to someone else.
Well done!
I agree with Nicole- people are just dumb. My husband has actually been asked if our daughter is actually “his” (i’m latin, he’s caucasian and she looks more like me). Plus- my husband is 30 and was adopted himself, the questions he gets asked because of it are crazy. Sigh.
Very educational and thoughtful post. Thank you for sharing this information.
My British mother’s comment on hearing my husband and I wanted to adopt? “How kind. Obviously you will never love an adopted child as much as a biological child.”
I. Hit. The. Roof.
Did she seriously say that? I would’ve BEEN SO MAD!!!
I wish more people thought more about this. I am a 40 yr old big sister to seven siblings, six adopted, one biological. Recently, a colleague referred to my bio. sister as my “real” sister. Even to this day, that hurts my feelings. Thanks for writing about it.
Missy, thanks for giving your perspective as a sibling. It makes me sad to think that Aram and Samuel will probably get those comments one day.
I’ve heard some of these from Adoptive parents.. I’m like…. “quit offending yourself! You are the real mom!”
Really? Adoptive parents say that? geez….
I think sometimes people think to hard about how to ask without offending and it still comes out wrong. I once asked a Mom in our playgroup if her adopted boys were brothers! I knew better, ofcourse they were brothers! Thank goodness she knew I was trying to ask if they were biologically related and was very sweet about it.
Yes, I think it is important that adoptive parents understand the intent of some of these comments are not meant to be hurtful. It still is a good idea to educate people on why the comments do offend….but there is no reason for a parent to get overly worked up about a well-meaning question or comment.
LOVE THIS! Yes, thank you!!!
You are welcome
I love you
I really like this post and already plan on sending it to a few people I’ve been having adoption-related discussions with lately. It really is important not to get angry or defensive but to realize that most people are very well meaning and just not aware of the lingo. On that note, I wanted to add that using the term “adoption by choice” to mean that one is not infertile but simply chose to adopt before conceiving a biological child is mildly offensive to those of us who *are* infertile. It makes us feel that the fertiles see themselves as superior since they had the choice of how to go about having kids. The poor infertiles are to be pitied because we had adoption thrust upon us if we wanted to be parents at all. I totally get that those who adopted first and then had biological kids get annoyed by those stupid comments about how they finally got their “own” baby. I would feel the exact same way! It’s overstepping basic privacy and just a stupid thing to say.
“Adoption by choice”: well, we all chose adoption, period. If I hadn’t chosen adoption, I might not be a mother. If a fertile had had not chosen adoption, they still would. Does that make her better than me somehow? I surely hope not.
Lori! Oh my goodness, thank you for bringing this up. I have always struggled with the “adoption by choice” issue. We technically fall into that category, but we also were told we couldn’t have children right before I became pregnant with Aram. We were planning on adopting prior, but I try not to make that a big issue when we are discussing our family with others. We do like to tell Samuel he was not a second choice to a biological child, but I think that is true of all adopted children of loving parents that were infertile.
I understand why people say “adoption was our first choice” because they get the offensive “what is wrong with your body that you must adopt?” questions…. (I’m sure even more offensive to people that have fertility issues)- but on the same note I am uncomfortable with people stating in a high and mighty way that they somehow are holier than thou for not having fertility problems and adopting.
Anyway, so glad you brought this up. I’d love a guest post from you about this if you are ever interested.
I wanted to add this to my last comment about the phrase “adoption by choice.” I’ve been having a hard time getting exactly at why it rubs me the wrong way, and I think I have it now: it comes with an implication that the fertiles want to distance themselves from the infertiles, as if our disease is catching or something. It comes with a feeling, yes, of superiority, that we’re not just all parents but that some of us (the infertiles) are to be pitied since we *didn’t* have a choice. I hope this makes sense.
Woah, guest post. That’s really nice of you. I’ll think about it
Great post offering insight to those who don’t understand that what they are saying may be seen as offensive. My own mother-in-law recently objected to us referring to my adopted little sister as “auntie” to my son. Her problem with that was that “she isn’t blood so she isn’t *really* his auntie”. I come from a large family and have many siblings. Two of them are adopted (one younger, one older). They are ALL my *real* siblings, just as they are all my parent’s real children. I also get asked why my parents adopted when they already had kids too. SO frustrating – like you say, there are myriad reasons why people adopt, it is such a personal journey. And yeah, it’s a great thing to adopt – just like it is great to go through pregnancy and have children that way – because being a parent is a wonderful thing, however you get there!!
Excellent and informative! Very well said and so helpful. Thank you for putting that important information out there. Bless you.
I love ur entire piece, it totally rings home w/me. I am not overly sensitive when people make flip comments or ask questions regarding my daughter’s adoption story. I am hopeful that my DD will be so proud of her journey that she will have no problem sharing iw/others when she is ready. One Pur
Love the post! I am a bio mom, adoptive mom and psychiatrist.
I have grappled with this topic a lot. If u can tell someone is genuinely interested and fact finding ( which has been the vast majority in our case) then I am polite and answer the questions. If my daughter is around, I would not want her to see me act defensively as that implies that there is something to hide or be upset about. If someone says she is lucky I simply say that we are the lucky ones. It is even more difficult when the people saying she is lucky are people of her ethnicity. My daughter is Korean and we go to Korean Methodist church and my bio kids, my daughter and myself all go to Korean school. We have encountered those comments a lot and I just tell them we feel lucky to have her and that’s the truth! As far as adoption appropriate language- I am quite torn – of course we use it but if someone around us doesn’t I don’t scold or correct because the fact is my daughter will encounter that and I want her to be able to ask about and confronted it with me as a support.
Great post! Couldn’t agree more that sometimes you just have to be patient with people and explain things. Often people aren’t trying to be malicious, but just don’t know. My daughter is 3 And is half German and half Jamaican. Often people don’t believe me when I say she is my daughter. Once someone asked me her name and I replied that her name is Zaire. The next question was if she came with that name. I was so confused lol. The woman was then mortified, but lesson learned
Have you seen/ read/ heard about the book Nurture Shock by Po Bronson? There’s an article in it called (something like) “Why White Parents Don’t Talk About Race,” and, like almost EVERY other article in the book, made me want to copy it and send it to every mom in the country. Check it out if you haven’t already! http://www.amazon.com/NurtureShock-New-Thinking-About-Children/dp/0446504130/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1352530830&sr=8-1&keywords=nurture+shock
I hope i havent been insensitive to people. I’ve been offended by adoptive moms though. One implied it was selfish to have kids ( I was largely pregnant), that it was a Christian calling to adopt and convert your child (so are you a bad Christian if you don’t ?) and some make sure to tell everyone that they aren’t infertile and just have no desire to have biological children or raise babies (so infertile people who adopt or want an infant arent as altruistic as her). I’ve always had an interest in adoption and may in the future but I mainly believe that family preservtion and social change and charity are better solutions for the vast majority of international orphans and that IA should not be the main focus of churches. I would never say it to any adoptive parent I met but it rubs me the wrong way when people change the names of their older adopted children without their permission. They are people with histories and an identity. If my preschooler was orphaned and sent to another country with a different language I would hope her new mom would let her keep her heritage or choose her own new name. Those years before adoption matter. I know it is rude to ask about biological relatives so I never do but with adoption fraud so prevalent I often feel like people should be transparent if they are promoting an adoption agenda as opposed to just living their life as a family like all the regular non religiously motivated adoptive families I knew growing up. I think this adoption as social statement is a new thing.
For the first question that is considered offensive. Would ‘how many children do you have?’ be a good alternative as well? It may be a bit less direct, but you’ll have more information than you had.
I will never understand why it is not common sense that referring to a child’s biological parents as his “real” parents is inaccurate and offensive. Just *think* for 2 seconds, people, and this one should be apparent. I can understand other things not being so obvious. Or its not being obvious until *after* you realize the child is adopted, if you didn’t to begin with.
My youngest sister is adopted – and blonde. The rest of us are all brunette. (Obviously, this could happen in an all-biological family, too; this just happened to be the case.) When she was three or four, an older couple in the Wal-Mart parking lot asked her, “Where did you get that beautiful blonde hair?” (We’re all thinking, “Nice. Just rub in the fact that she looks different.”) Her answer was priceless, though. “God.”