My mom and her lapse in judgement. She doesn’t believe she did this. I have a picture to prove this event transpired.
It seems like all parents to to give their children a better childhood and life than the one they had.
I was blessed with a very happy childhood, and I am trying to give my children close to the same one I have. However, there were things in my own childhood I wish my parents had done or hadn’t done (see above picture).
Here is a list of what I learned not to do from my parents:
1. I will teach my children how to ride a bike! That’s right, my parents totally dropped the ball on this one. They were older when they had me, I’ll let them slide on this one. I still don’t know how to ride one, though! So scratch that- Brian will teach my children how to ride a bike (and while they’ll learning I might as well join in and learn, too!)
2. I will not feed my children hotdogs and burgers except on very rare occasions. My dad and I would go antiquing together, but when allowed to his own devices we would have Kaspers Hotdogs or Nations Hamburgers…Or worse…7-11 hotdogs (*gag*).
3. I will not let my children have a TV in their room. I remember putting it on and trying to do schoolwork. Talk about a distraction.
4. I will not let my children near insecticides. My parents let me bug bomb and spray my playhouse. My poor little endocrine system.
5. Refined sugar will be limited. Mom, I blame you and your house full of delicious freshly baked cookies, brownies, and cakes for my sweet tooth.
With the above being said it is an extremely short list compared to the hundreds and thousands of things my parents did right.
What about you? Do you try to parent according to your own experiences in childhood? What would you change?
I breastfeeding instead of formula, we don’t spank at all, so far the kids share a room (no tv for their room ever), fewer processed foods, more travel, more daddy time, less yelling, fewer vaccinations, and so far we’ve had fewer illnesses. We’re doing things very different from my hubby’s parents did.
Wow those are big differences. Do your parents get defensive about your choices? I think my parents are equally as embarrassed they did the things listed (except my dad and the processed foods!) LOL you really live and learn.
I will not be a short order cook. I’m a horribly picky eater because when my mom was working evening when I was young, my dad would cave and just make me whatever I wanted (generally mac and cheese). I never learned to eat veggies and I still fight cravings for mac and cheese.
I have awesome parents though.
LOL that is so funny! You would think if you ate it all the time you would eventually have an aversion to it. Mac and Cheese is the exception it seems, everyone likes it.
1. I’ll never tell my kids they “can’t weigh THAT much, your so skinny”… hearing this all through our teens gave both me and my sister eating disorders
and I’ll try my best not to fuss over food and my own weight infront of my kids like my mum did and still does!
2. Listen to my kids and acknowledge their feelings about things even if I didn’t experienced it in the same way. I’ve tried to talk to my mum as an adult about my ed, and she refuses to see how what she said could in any way affect me
My mum is great, and have sacrificed alot to give me a great childhood and she has some great thoughts about raising kids and alot of knowledge but sometimes I just don’t get her!
Wow em, #1 on your list is really upsetting to hear. I am so sorry. I hope you were able to recover from your eating disorder. Understanding what triggered it for you will definitely help your kids not develop the same problem.
I think I am even more angry about #2. It sounds like your mom is in denial, but that has to be extremely hurtful that she isn’t validating your feelings.
I can’t stop laughing. You bug-bombed your playhouse? Precocious child.
Yeah, it was made to be like a small guest house (even plumbing for a toilet). The thing got bugs in the winter when we didn’t play in it. When summer came around my cousin and I would bomb it and spray all the spiders. LOL I am actually upset my mom didn’t realize how bad that was! She knows now. I think is equally as horrified.
I had/have awesome parents- but they weren’t consistent when it came to us 5 kids doing chores- so my 4 kids (really the 1st 2 because the others are 5 and 3) help around the house consistently…time to get the 5 year old some jobs!
Oh yeah, consistency is a problem for me. My kids will probably have that on their “what not to do” list when/if they have their own children. I should work on it!
I am doing almost everything differently than my parents did – with great intention. Even as a child I remember making lists of “how I want to treat my children” in response to the ways I was treated. My dad was out of the picture from age 6 on and, although I think my mom tried, she was overwhelmed as a single parent and was too proud to ask for help. I have spent many years healing from my own childhood and it was that process that gave fuel to my decisions to make every conscious parenting choice that I have. It is my deepest fufillment in life to know that I am a fantastic mother to my son and I truly cherish every day! Here is my list:
1. Love deeply & unconditionally. And make sure they know it.
2. Protect fiercely. I am their protector from the outside world until they are old enough to know how to do it themselves. To me, this also includes not engaging in any type of physical punishment, yelling, shaming, or otherwise treating them less than God himself would treat my children. I intend to create a home that is a safe place in every aspect of the word.
3. Enjoy my children daily. And enjoy life together!
4. Connect with their hearts and make sure that connection is maintained through the years.
5. Feed them nourishing food. This begins with breastfeeding until we mutually decide to wean.
I consider myself to be a success story of surviving an abusive childhood, healing, and doing every single thing differently with my own children. I don’t think it would be possible without God doing major work in me. I know my peace, patience, and joy comes from Him. Being a mother is my greatest joy in life and I treasure every day! I am blessed to the center of my being =)
Cara, you list is much better than mine! My post was created originally as a joke with a few silly things that I recently thought of about my own childhood. Reading the responses on the comments made me wish I would have taken it a little more seriously. I love the discussion that has sparked in the comments section. Hearing about the bravery of so many of you that were abused as children and are able to come out of it and parent your children completely unselfishly…it’s beautiful!
I think I may print out your list and hang it in the bathroom when I get ready in the morning. It is inspiring! Thank you!
Thank you. I’ve never written myself a mothering goal list before. Maybe I should print it out and put it in my bathroom as well!
Although mine was on the more serious side I appreciate the humorous ones too! It’s refreshing to know that some people really did have great childhoods (minus not being allowed to shave maybe…so funny!!) and no one is exempt from at least some embarassing moments
Cara, that is a beautiful list. Every day I am inspired by my children to take it easy and clean the bathroom another day. God is a huge part of our lives as well, and I know I’m pleasing Him by raising the children who have been given to me.
I might as well mention what I do differently in this reply…
1. Keep my word. My mother used to make promises all the time and I can’t remember a single time those promises were ever fulfilled. She also used to threaten us with discipline and never follow through on that either. It destroyed my brother and I in so many ways, we never really learned the true value of our words until we became involved in our own relationships. Now I know how important my words are–I never say anything to my children unless I can follow through, no empty threats and no careless promises.
2. Imitate God. I grew up in a non-religious home. I believed God was there, but I never understood His role in my life, I never knew the sacrifice that Jesus made, I was completely in the dark. God is the ultimate nurturer, the ultimate caretaker, the one we should look to when we’re at a loss. He is the best example of how we should love, raise and discipline our children. I like to read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 when I’m having a hard day with my children, to remind my of how I am supposed to me. I interchange the word love with my name and it speaks volumes to me.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
Oh gosh, my parents dropped the ball in those things too. My big brother taught me to ride a bike though! ^_^ The worst offense would be the tv. We always had a tv in our rooms. Now my 2 younger siblings, who are still at home, each have a tv and computer in their rooms, and my parents have one in their bedroom, the living room, the kitchen, and 2 in the basement, if you can believe it! My husband and I have one tv, and we’ll never have another if I can help it. So good for you too!
I am not alone! LOL yes, the TV was always on. It was like a white noise machine. Ugh…did not help my ADD I’m sure. Overstimulation!
Seriously, it really can’t be good to hear it constantly! Now that you mention your ADD, I have to wonder how it may have affected my husband’s… O_O
LOL
Hm. Okay, this is the censored version, of course. The uncensored version could fuel a couple of Dr. Phil shows.
1. Ditto on the way less pesticides and other chemicals and processed food. I remember drinking coke regularly by the time I was 7 or 8. But it must be said, we all turned out all right…
2. I was miserable in my (tiny, Catholic, mediocre) high school, and my mom wouldn’t let me change schools. I have told her this was her greatest (censored) parenting mistake. I will never force my kids to stay in a school if they are as miserable as I was. We’ll find an alternative.
3. My pale, hairless mother wouldn’t let me shave my gorilla legs until my dad finally talked her into it. I endured years of teasing before then. My kids will be lasered, waxed, whatever whenever they ask. Gorilla momma feels your pain, baby.
4. My parents let me have WAAAAY too much freedom/alone time with my boyfriends. WHAT WERE THEY SMOKING??
LOL Missy! I’m tearing up I’m laughing so hard!
Are you lasered? I need to get that done.
One of my favorite childhood memories is getting Tiny Tunes Crunch ice cream followed by 7-11 slurpees with you and your dad, I loved hanging out with Uncle Tommy for all the treats
But I agree, limits on the sugar and the hot dogs. What is with our family and hot dogs?
Oh, and apparently I am the one that taught Lo how to ride a bike, I should have pulled you in on the lessons too!
Isn’t it funny, as educated as he was in nutrition he would still feel comfortable eating a 7-11 hotdog!? LOL Everything in moderation was his motto, but that crosses the line!
I know our family and hotdogs, it is totally weird. My dad affectionately nicknaming people hotdog (beats sport or sweetie, I guess)…haha he even called Obi hotdog when he was a kitten and he thought he was the best thing ever. Then he grew up and got kind of scary (to everyone but me) and my dad didn’t like him anymore! LOL
I was never really taught to ride a bike either! My mom let my dad BUY me a couple of bikes, but she never let me ride the thing. Told me it was too dangerous. So I see people in Chicago speeding by on seriously busy streets on their bikes, confident as all get out, and think, “No effing way.”
I could ride in an emergency. But yeah. Not my first choice of transportation.
Aidan has no interest in riding a bike.
LOL! You make me feel so much better about myself! My husband really thinks I’m the only adult in the world that doesn’t know how to ride a bike.
Are you going to make Aidan learn?
This is such an interesting post! I think the one thing I do differently from my own mother is that I’m a lot more attentive. I remember my mother (a single mom) putting all four of us to bed at eight o’clock every night. It was bedtime. Absolute and unquestioning. And sometimes I wonder if that was easier, but for the most part, am much more comfortable with co-sleeping and snuggling them down to sleep (moving my older two into their own beds after they’re asleep). I’m also stricter about some things, we’re more of a benevolent distactorship in some areas, less of a democracy. My mother was really overwhelmed a lot of time, and I grew up a lot faster than I want my own kids to.
As to the photo, that ain’t nuthin’. Daddy (who was a doctor) mixed Coke with the milk in my baby baba.
Smacking is the huge one here, especially when in a huge temper like my mum. My parents actually were great in a lot of ways, but my mum’s temper has left me with fear even as an adult.
Little things, I would have loved to learn to swim, I am an awful swimmer, my parents didn’t have the time or money to get us lessons, but I take both my boys every week.
I am doing A LOT of things differently than my mom, especially in the early years. Both of my parents suffered from substance abuse from the time I was born until my dad finally died from his addictions and my mom sobered up for a few years. Their addictions and behavior lead to my admission to a Youth Behavioral Center (a mental hospital), for 30 days, at only 4 years old (and 2 hospitalizations as a teen/young adult). My mom was nearly 40 when I was unexpectedly born, with a younger very sick brother born just 3 years later(again unplanned). So there was little to no time left over for the “super smart normy” as she always referred to me. I don’t look anything like my mother and she always reminded me of how not thin I am, or if I had a blemish on my face (she still does both of those things), but never were her criticisms backed with any thing constructive or positive modeling. And a lot of her parenting was based more on a “Do as I say, not as do/did”. And the other thing that I resented the MOST, especially as a teenager, whenever I would trust her with personal information, she would run and tell ANYONE who would listen!!!
So a short list is: Positive Modeling my body image, and maintaining healthy habits, Respecting my daughter’s thoughts, and experiences, AND especially no Abuse, be that Mental, Physical, or Emotional…the small details of things I do/will do differently is innumerable at this point.
I am guilty as charged! Oh I’m cringing at the thought of bug-bombing your playhouse! I sprinkle cinnamon now to keep ants away (not sure it works, but it smells good)!
I DID try you on the two-wheeler though, Jamie but when you fell off I swept you up to console you and that was that…That is even worse, giving up so easy! Not encouraging you to keep trying!
And to ALL parents, I can’t say it enough, no TV in bedrooms!!! Big mistake for many reasons.
Ok do next time your home, I’m teaching you to ride a bike and ice-skate!
xxxMama
I am learning lots now from both you and your sister. Maybe that’s why grandmas are better at it!
I am guilty as charged! Oh I’m cringing at the thought of bug-bombing your playhouse! I sprinkle cinnamon now to keep ants away (not sure it works, but it smells good)!
I DID try you on the two-wheeler though, Jamie but when you fell off I swept you up to console you and that was that…That is even worse, giving up so easy! Not encouraging you to keep trying!
And to ALL parents, I can’t say it enough, no TV in bedrooms!!! Big mistake for many reasons.
Ok, so next time you are home, I’m teaching you to ride a bike and ice-skate!
xxxMama
Y
I am learning lots now from both you and your sister. Maybe that’s why grandmas are better at it!
I parented completely opposite. I was 17 when I was pregnant with my son. I was going to place for adoption, but the parents I was in contact with backed out because they wanted a boy, and I missed the ultra sound because my mother was ill…They had another girl who was confirmed to have a boy. I gave birth drug free. I decided to nurse. The only person in my entire COMPLETE family to have done it, that I met, was my GREAT-Aunt. I was told it was not as healthy, that formula had added nutrients he needs. I was told I would give him an “inferiority complex”. Well, I debunked THOSE statements. My 6 week early, 6lb 6oz preemie was 25 lbs at age 4 months! At age 11, he is smart, funny, and the most self confident child you will ever meet.
I never fed him “baby food” other than the rice cereal. I also never gave him fruits or sweet foods. I mushed up beans and veggies…Once a child gets a taste of the sweet stuff, it can be hard to get them to like the more bitter, harder vegetables. He loves spinach, Brussels Sprouts, broccoli…all the things many parents WISH their kid would eat!
He only gets soda on special occasions. And even then it is limited to one. Water and milk are the typical hydration choices.
I never spanked my son. I do take privileges away. I also make him save for things he wants (his most recent score was his iPod Touch, 5th gen). He saved all his birthday and Christmas money, and any money he earned.
I don’t pay him an allowance to do chores he is SUPPOSED to do (pick up dog waste, keep room clean, weed the front walk and clean the two bathroom sinks). I don’t get paid to do mine! I do give him a little bit if he goes above and beyond and helps make MY day easier. I also charge him if I have to do HIS chores. I make him a lunch for school. If he wants to buy lunch, he needs to use his own money. Why? Because I have food in the home. Buying a lunch is not a necessity. I never learned money managing habits, and it was hard to learn as an adult.
I also pay my son for good grades. If you do your job well, you get a raise…well…school is a full time job for these kids, and they work hard. I give him $3 for every A, $2 for every B, and if there is a C…he gets nothing…even if the rest are all A’s. If he makes high honor roll, he gets a bonus (High Honor Roll is an overall average of an A or higher).
There really are to many things to list. one thing is for sure…You mum may have made parenting decisions that you don’t agree with, but you turned out wonderful!
Here is a “learning to ride a bike”tip…My son did not learn to ride his bike until he was about 8 (3rd/4th grade). He had no interest. When he finally was interested in taking off the training wheels, he was having a hard time keeping his balance. He kept looking DOWN at his feet, the front tire…the ground…and kept falling over. The best thing you can do is stand 20 yards in FRONT of him and encourage him to look up and forward! It helps keep them balanced! If you are in front of him, he can see your face, and if you are smiling and making eye contact, he will forget that he is balancing on two thin wheels! My son literally learned in one day….and was speeding around the block!
Good luck!