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A Letter To My Pre-Child Self

 

Dear Pre-child Jamie,

 

First off, no, your kids won’t be different. That is why that white linen couch purchase (as much as you tried to justify it) was a stupid idea. Within a year of being a mother that couch will be ruined by a huge stain made by an unidentified liquid. What is your current couch made out of? Microfiber- get familiar.

 

Scared of labor? Wasting your time worrying about that one…

 

…But you know what kind of pain you will experience worse than 1000 daggers to the eye? Stepping on a lego without shoes on.

 

 Those toy sets with small parts? At all those birthday parties you gave these sets as presents, the parents secretly hated you. Now you know.

 

Be aware that the mothers you see at the grocery store with unkept hair and stained sweats will soon be you, so judge accordingly. Only you will also have wet spots on your shirt from baby urine and breastmilk.

 

Poop, for a good two years, will be a normal part of a conversation. Please be aware that as normal as this topic is for you, people eating may not feel the same way.

 

You somehow manage to get out of potty training. Those tutorials were a waste of money. 

 

Maybe it would have been a good idea to have spent your money on a speech therapist. Your kids both have Ethiopian accents (sorry, you don’t have one)…

 

 

 

 

Still stressing that your left boob is smaller than the right? Stop pitying it. These days it is the most popular of the two. Perhaps it is a Napoleon complex, but that little left boob is now a fierce advocate for breastfeeding.

Yep, someone even made it a twitter account. The tagline was “I breastfeed, so what?” My thoughts exactly.

 

With all that being said, I don’t envy your life before kids at all. You are about to meet two of your best friends.

 

Hold on tight honey, it’s going to be a wild ride!

 

                                                                                                                                                Love,

                                                                                                                                    Jamie with kids

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