Doris Day Stars in “Please Don’t Eat the Daisies.” 1960
Alright ladies, here are your choices:
Housewife
Homemaker
Stay-at-home-mom
Or the ever ambitious sounding-
Unemployed.
Awesome…
It seems the importance of any career with children somehow gets downplayed in our culture. Childcare workers, I’ve observed, get treated like lower class citizens. Teachers get paid so little and are demeaned even more by being forced to buy supplies for the children they are teaching (the future of this country, I might add!). Then, mothers and fathers choosing to “stay at home” are either criticized or looked down upon as less professional than their counterparts with hired/paid occupations.
…but back to the title…
First off, should parenting even be considered a job?
Our culture seems to love defining one’s life by career, so much so that people lose their sense of self-worth without a conventional occupation. Suicide levels are highest among the retired and unemployed. Specifically, white men over 65 have the highest rate of suicide. This is believed to be because this demographic has put so much emphasis on career that the loss of identity is even more severe.
Because we have been fed since birth that our career is who we are, when someone opts out of a traditional paying job, society still feels the need to categorize the person with an occupation (otherwise, you’re “unemployed” and that is quite unacceptable in our culture) and in comes the “Stay-At-Home-Mom” job title.
Well, the problem with almost any title is that it does not define the person as a whole. This is most problematic with the “stay-at-home-mom” title because each parent and family is so individualized in their parenting and life that there is really no way to know what that “stay-at-home-mom” means. Many of us are involved in “work”, traveling, and spending time in areas of our lives that we are passionate about. We are allowing our children to see (and benefit from) the importance of knowing we are individuals outside of the parent-child relationship. However, we still don’t meet society’s strict standard of a “working mom” – no, no, we are simply “homemakers”.
Another reason I find “stay-at-home-mom” problematic is because I don’t consider raising my children “work” in the conventional sense. I am not saying it is easy to be a parent; you are guiding human beings into adulthood- not something to be taken lightly. This kind of human experience is not a job, but rather it is a relationship. I have the same problems with the word “housewife”. Being married to my husband is not (and should not be) a chore like the term alludes. I am in a relationship with my husband, which again, is not always easy. There is a constant movement and evolvement in each relationship. It reminds me of this quote by Steve Maraboli- “Look around you. Everything changes. Everything on this earth is in a continuous state of evolving, refining, improving, adapting, enhancing…changing. You were not put on this earth to remain stagnant.” There is no way to sum that up with a simple job title.
We also have the issue of the mothers who do work “outside the home” and how categorizing “stay-at-home-moms” could be utterly confusing to and wrong for everyone. We both are raising our children, so why is one of us allowed to claim that as a career and the other one must be defined by their paying job? Is it because we live in a misogynistic culture trying to repress women by falsely making us all believe we have the freedom of choice with this issue? Or because as humans WE MUST CATEGORIZE EVERYTHING? Probably a little of both.
This is a good time to bring up dad. He’s neglected in parenting, in general. Brian said the other day, “Mom get’s all the bashing, and dad gets no credit.” It’s true. If someone doesn’t like a particular parenting style, mom get’s blamed. In the rare instance that dad gets criticized it is never about the parenting style, it is always about how he must have been emasculated by his wife- yep, the woman’s fault, again.
There has been a movement of dads deciding to opt out of conventional careers (doubling in the past 10 years) while their spouses earn the income for the household. The “Stay-at-Home-Dad” has been named- equally as annoying of a title.
So, while people may have this strong desire to label me with a career to define and put value on my existence, I’m not going to do it to myself. When those little slips come my way and the space for “occupation” needs to be filled out, I have decided to start getting creative with my responses. My go-to answer has been “badass breastfeeder” ( Thank you Abby for your awesome blog and inspiration. ) However, now that my kids have seemingly weaned, I need to again change what I put in that pesky occupation box.
Try to describe “what you do” in one or two words. What would it be? And ask yourself if that describes you as a whole. If it doesn’t, use this as a reminder that our worth is quite more than career or how others define us.
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This post is dedicated to the military spouse. I often think about the hardships that a military spouse endures, although they are statistically more likely to be “stay-at-home moms”. To sacrifice a year or more apart from their husband or wife and take on the role of father and mother and all household responsibilities is a thankless task. They are left with the responsibility of maintaining a home, a yard, a career, children, cars, pets, finances and filing military taxes and every task that their Soldier used to handle. On top of that they worry that their spouse is in harms way while deployed. Here’s to you, military spouses. May you always feel appreciated for what you do.
You could be a “badass blogger”?x
Thanks for the post, for some reason this is something I struggle with, my twins are nearly 2 and I have decided to leave breadwinning to my husband. Before the twins were born I was a doctor, I had worked “my whole life” for that career and a lot of my self worth was built up around it. For some reason I seem to have taken a step down or failed in society’s estimation because I have “given up” work. My dad told me he had “never been more disappointed”… but at the end of the day, body and soul, I want to be around for my boys every day in a way that being a doctor doesn’t allow for. So no matter how society defines me, or how I define myself, I know I’m in the right place.
I’m completely fascinated by the 50′s – that generation idealized by the vision of the stay at home parent. What people rarely understand is the isolation and depression women felt. Truly, ‘unemployed’ must hVe stung horribly for some. And your whole world turned into cleaning products and PB ad J?
That being said, I am primary caretaker- caretaker of the home, the family, everything.
Great points.. I also rant and rave about the fact that every parenting resource, venue, magazine, etc.. is geared toward the mom. The moms deserve so much credit, but when I look at parents magazine and every article and every ad is geared to one gender, it is very disappointing. My opinion is that first off women have fought for so long to be recognized for the amazing job they are doing that they have a tough time sharing, secondly the men have been conditioned to not draw attention to themselves in what has been considered non-masculine pursuits. I say to hell with that.. I am a dad, I have time to spend with my kids, I want them to learn to be a better parent than me, and in order to do that I have to be involved.
I just had to say that I just watched your video of your children and the adoption and it totally had me in tears, and I’m sitting here at work. That was beautiful!
I am not a SAHM, I do work full time and every minute I wish I was home. I am expecting baby number 2 and we hope to be able to make it work so that I can stay home.
Agreed!
Whatever you want the title to be, if you are not in a position where you are required to financially assist the family, you are BLESSED. I work 32 hours a week in a cubicle and I ABHOR delegating the most wonderful part of my life (raising my 2 year old) to someone else beyond my husband and me.
I love this entry, and I can’t help but tooting my own horn here. Just wrote a piece exploring this very issue. Hope you don’t mind me sharing it here: http://www.quackbaby.com/7/post/2012/08/some-thoughts-on-how-one-spends-ones-time.html
LOL Sarah…I am listening to the audio right now. So far love it…
Wow, thanks! I find myself feeling a little like a used car salesman.. “Here, ladies, check out my BLOG, you’ll like what you see!” But then I remember I’m not trying to sell anything! I’m new at this but the more I read from other women (and men, of course), the more I’m convinced that we’ve hit on some pretty deep universal themes. Anyway, thanks for taking the time! If you’re interested in cross-blogging I’d be happy to post your link in my sidebar? Or is that too used-car-salesmany? Sorry!
I just wanted to put in a quick comment. While my husband and I thought it best for me to stay home with the kids, we never refer to my occupation as a housewife or SAHM. In fact, my husband refers to me as his “domestic goddess”. Funny thing is, when I did our taxes this year and the IRS was requiring me to state my occupation, that is exactly what I put on there. No questions were asked. lol
I say I’m a Homeschool Mom. That seems to garner a little more respect (as in, “Wow, you’re a brave woman. I can’t WAIT to send my kids away every morning.”). As though teaching them when they are 4 and older is wholly different than teaching them when they are 4 and under…
In occupation or in the race question boxes i write in HUMAN. It is what i am, and what i do. I am human everyday. I think it is the only thing i can say i am EVERY day. Everything else changes.
I love this. Yes, what if we just stopped with all the loaded shorthand and just talked about what actually does define and give meaning to our lives? I’m a mom. I like gardening. I have a cat, and I’d love to have a dog too. I try to walk out in nature as much as I can. When I was in paid employment, it was pretty boring and in no way defined me or gave my life meaning, so who really wants to hear about it?
Hey! Yeah, I think what gets me the most is the suicide rate coinciding with retirement. How heartbreaking is it that we are endorsing paid employment with success in life and defining oneself. We are meant to be so much greater than a paying job. It is making me tear up just to think about it.
i’ve identified myself as a PPM- primarily-present mom.
The line on FB that asks for employment, I stuck with what is most appropriate at this time in my life – Baby Herder
I enjoy what you write. One thing that gets me as a SAHM is what to put on applications once I decide to start working. I barely have 2 years work experience after high school graduation. I’ve been a mom 12 years to 4 beautiful children. 6 months of those 12 years was taking care of a 4 year-old, while learning much of what a CNA does to take care of my 2 and half year old… in fact, taking care of an infant and toddlers is quite a bit similar to a CNA’s job. Sure, Badass Breastfeeder, I can add up about 9 years of that altogether! Dealing with a 2 year old demanding to “Watsh Dora NOW!” could be a great way of telling a potential employer how one dealt with a difficult situation. For me, I’m not worried about how the rest of society portrays my job, although I do feel guilty talking to parents who aren’t able to stay home with the kids. My worries are for the future, after my kids are old enough to still be kids, but able to take care of themselves.
If anyone asks me what I do, I normally say a “full time mum” but I think of myself more as a teacher/nutritionist. They are the two things that take the most mental effort in my day – good food and plenty of opportunity to explore the world. I know I’m lucky to be able to look after my two girls full time and I’m aware how soon it will feel that they are off to school and I’ll be back at work. We’re making the most of it. I don’t really think about what others think about my choice not to work. I’m lucky enough not to have to right now, and to be honest, I’m a way better Mum than I was a worker! I get a lot of self worth from the other mums out there who take this job seriously (my current inspiration is Anna Ranson of theimaginationtree.com).
You’re absolutely right about childcare workers. I love teaching my kids – on a good day I feel like some gorgeous, nurturing earth mother, but would I want to do this for a job and be an early childhood teacher? No freaking way. I think that speaks volumes.
LOL….when I went to work after raising two daughters in the 70′s and people asked me what my “prior experience” was I told everyone I was an “inventor”…..that I’d spent the previous years building two human beings from scratch. It shut them up big time.
I don’t worry about “defining myself.” When people ask what I do, I just tell them that I stay home with the kids. Occasionally I throw out that I’m starting a photography business, but usually I don’t. I don’t care what people think about it, and it’s true that I DO stay home with the kids. If I didn’t have kids, I wouldn’t stay home. It doesn’t define me, but it’s how I spend my days. It just doesn’t matter to me. As you said, no label can ever encompass all of what a person is or does, and working moms are working hard to raise their kids just as SAHMs are. And dads do a lot of parenting too (at least, good ones do) and they don’t get that in their “label” unless they’re the at-home parent. It just doesn’t matter. It’s just words. It’s a way to make conversation, to help people understand something more about me. So I give them whatever I feel like giving at the time, and they can do with it what they will. It’s not my responsibility to make sure that people understand who I am. It’s only my responsibility to be nice and respectful and to not judge others harshly, and to do the best I can to better the world within my circumstances. That’s all I care about.
I may have to borrow “PPM.” I usually think of myself as Domestic Coordinator, but I hate the word domestic. LOL
Ah, yes. I have problems with the SAHM title too. It’s always felt like making mom into a four letter word, so to speak. I may be in the minority, but I absolutely felt like I went through an identity crisis (hell, sometimes, I think I am still in crisis mode) those first 24 months of motherhood.
I have two little children and a teenager at college. When it came time to do the FASFA, a federal form to determine how much the government is going to help with college, my option is a displaced homemaker! That sounds so horrible to me. But really I am “everything to my family”.
Thank you for touching on this subject. The SAHM title has always bugged me but I’d never really given much thought to what else I could call what I do. I’ve been sitting here contemplating and decided I’m going to start writting “artist” on those forms that ask for occupation. I do dabble a bit in traditionally defined arts but I truly think it is an art to be able to raise children well, cook a nutritious, delicious meal and keep a home in working order… not to mention the hundred other things a SAHM does! Thanks for making me think this morning.
I love this! Great post! As a full time mom and Army wife, I appreciate this
I am a military wife and a stay at home mom. Thank you for recognizing all the sacrifices military spouses make. Before I opted to leave the work force I was a Recreation Therapist. One thing I learned early on in graduate school was when you ask an RT what they do, and you are referring to profession, they will answer what they love doing for fun or leisure, never what their job happens to be. I started doing this a few years ago and now kinda enjoy being asked..what do you do? Sometimes I say.. “I hike”, or “I play and do crafts.” Last weekend someone asked me that question and I answered, ” I dye Easter eggs.” The questioner just stared at me then said… ” busy time of year for you? hehehe.. The reactions I get are priceless. I think a far harder question for me to answer is where are you from? As an Army brat who grew up and married a soldier, I dread that question. I’m from everywhere and nowhere all at the same time.