People have been asking my mom lately how and why she became a breastfeeding advocate in the 1980s. It was due to lack of support and misguided information in the 1970s that led her to follow her instincts when she had me in the late 1980s.
My parents had my brother and sister in their early 20s when my dad was pre-med (studying to be an OB) at UC Berkeley. It was the 1970s and things were different back then. My mother parented my sister and brother conventionally (feeling pressured by family and friends to do so at the time even though that wasn’t what she wanted).
My mom said she remembers that after my sister (their firstborn) came home from the hospital she wanted to nurse her. Other relatives were over to help out at the time and she knew they would not approve of breastfeeding or not putting her baby on a schedule right away. My mom hid in the closet nursing my newborn sister where my grandma (my dad’s mother) discovered her. She said “Margie what are you doing in the closet with that baby!?” My mom tearfully replied, “I just want to feed my baby.” My grandma smiled and said, “Oh honey, I’m sorry! You do not have to hide from us!” My mom developed mastitis at two weeks and was told by doctors to wean.
My brother was born three years later. My mom said the pregnancy was drastically different from my sister’s pregnancy. The doctors told my mom the baby had died pretty far along in her pregnancy. Further testing revealed she was pregnant with twins and one had died in utero, the body blocking the surviving baby’s heartbeat (before the days of ultrasounds). My mom also noticed how much more my brother would jump during pregnancy. Everything startled the fetus inside of her. After he arrived my mom said my brother already was more active then my sister. If my mom made any slight noise leaving his room he would jump up in his crib completely alert. Mom made it to two months before she developed mastitis and her doctor told her she had to stop nursing. As an older child, my brother was diagnosed with severe ADHD, OCD, an anxiety disorder, and depression (ADHD and all others listed are associated with each other), and my mother realized how typical conventional parenting did more harm than good with my brother. She felt if she followed her instincts it would have been easier on the entire family. My brother was one child she felt really would have benefitted from close “attachment parenting” practices (Dr. Sears writes about this with parenting a high-needs baby). Pressured to parent the way society said was right, my mom ignored her own maternal instincts.
My mom and dad thought that 2 kids were plenty and my mom had her tubes tied after my brother was born. Several years later they realized this was a huge mistake. They went to the only two doctors in California that did the new tubal ligation reversal procedure. Some family members tried to talk them out of doing such an expensive and very low success rate procedure. One of their doctors even suggested they adopt a dog. They continued on and the month after the procedure they conceived me. I am 14 years younger than my sister and 11 years younger than my brother.
Times had changed and my mother was an older and more confident parent at this point. When my mother developed mastitis when I was a few weeks old they did the research and knew they didn’t have to wean me. My mom decided she wasn’t going to let people push her around. This was before the days of Dr. Sears and she had no idea what attachment parenting was. My dad received his masters in nutritional science and studied under Dr. Brewer for pre-med. They knew the science and importance of breastmilk. My mother also trusted her instincts this time. They co-slept, practiced child-led weaning, and even though they did not have a sling there was always someone in the family holding me.
My childhood was extremely positive. Even though my sister was not parented in the same way I was, when she had her own children she decided to parent in the way she witnessed with my upbringing. She saw how I was being raised and how it was a happy and natural way to parent. She wanted to give that to her children, and obviously I am parenting in this way because of my positive memories of how I was parented as a child.
So, when people ask my mom why she was outspoken about breastfeeding or attachment parenting, It wasn’t to make people feel this is the only way to parent, it was because people were telling her there was an only way to parent, and it wasn’t the right way for her. She was trying to dispel AP myths (ex: AP children are overly attached. In her own experience I was the most independent of her children, feeling confident as a child, and in adulthood moving the farthest away and also traveling to various parts of the world alone. It was because I was well attached to my family that I felt confident enough to do so.) and give parents the freedom to follow your instincts as a family and not be hindered by what society is telling you is the only way. My mom promotes healthy well-attached children, and there are many ways to do so.
It’s always hard for me to conceive that there was a time when mothers were urged, by doctors, not to breastfeed. I know there are even hospitals today where formula is pushed on tired parents by bossy nurses, bt it’s so starkly different from my experiences that I can’t really believe it.
The funny thing is, in theory anyway, they were trying to advise what they thought was best for their patients. Telling a mom with mastitis to wean at 2 weeks was probably not much different from doctors now reminding you every well visit: “back to sleep!”
I guess is just another reminder of how quickly and often conventional wisdom changes. I get annoyed when people say things about how all new parents are clueless. Sure, it’s a life shock but we KNOW what to do, and I think the main reason we feel clueless is that everyone is telling us we are.
I know! It just makes me more weary of the fact that medicine isn’t probably giving us totally correct advice right now. That “back to sleep” comparison proves it!
Sorry about the typos. I accidentally published my rough draft!
Good for your mom! I had my daughter 13 months ago, and before I had her I didnt do any research on “parenting styles.” When family would ask, I said I was going to go with the flow and let her dictate her needs. This was met with a lot of reactions…astonishment, disbelief, anger, and a LOT of unsolicited advice. “you HAVE to put her on an immediate schedule!” “don’t hold her too much, you’ll spoil her” “you arent going to BF are you?” “You ARE going BF…arent you?” “You bought a ring sling? Why? Those are for hippies/spoiled babies/unnecessary.” Luckily I stood my ground and did just that. I didnt even know there was a name for what I ended up doing…which is basically attachment parenting. I’d not heard of Dr Sears before she was born. Liv nursed on demand exclusively for 6.5 months, and now at 13 is still nursing morning and night. She coslept for awhile, but she started not sleeping well when she was in the same room or bed, so she transitioned herself into her crib. I wear her or carry her whenever she wants-and she has a tremendous amount of independence and will walk and play on her own often (admitedly that started because she had colic and the only thing that kept her remotely calm during that time was being worn with her ear over my heart). We skipped purees and went with Baby-Led Weaning into table food. In NYC, where I live, people didnt think twice about my parenting decisions and I had an incredible amount of resources and support. But some of my family still thinks my decisions are bizarre, especially the fac that she still nurses, didnt have any solids until 6.5 months, and that we skipped purees. But I think I did and am doing exactly what was best for her. Perhaps the next child (if I have another) will require different styles of parenting. But I refuse to let anyone dictate that for me
I had my first born child (boy) 12 years ago and I have him to thank for me/us following our hearts and instincts taking care of him which led us to parent the AP way. He was a high need baby and from the very start he was active (and all through pregnancy) and he came 3 weeks early. He couldn´t wait longer and still today he has trouble waiting for things
He never accepted sleeping on his own, always wanting to fall asleep nursing. He climbed the walls when he got older and we ended putting the crib (which he slept in twice I think) over the TV so he wouldn´t tear it down on top of him and we built a hut for him in the fireplace since he always ended up sitting there. Relatives and friends thought we were a lite weird I think but I was so strongly beliving in what we did and he was a very happy (but exhaustingly curious…) child. He have recently been diagnosed with ADHD. Like your mom I too feel very strongly that the conventional way is harmful for these kids. My son have beneffited a lot from the AP way and I am so thankful that we stod up for his needs. I also have two daughters (6 and 10) and I too experience that my kids are confident and secure whitin themself 
I really like your blog and have been following it since the TIME cover. Regards, Linda in Sweden
Hey Linda!
Isn’t that interesting! I really think there is something to AP with a high needs child. They speak a lot about the effects of neglect in orphanages to high needs children causing RAD and severe mental disabilities much more often then the less needy infants. That is an extreme example, but it shows their brains are wired differently and they need more touch and attention. I’ll try to find more studies and link on here.
Oh btw- My mom is Scandinavian. The last time I was in Sweden I was 12 or 13. I can’t wait to bring my family back. What part are you from?
Hi Jamie! Oh please link to the studies on this topic if you find more of them! Yes, I too believe that these children are wired different than others in a lot of ways. If they are met according to their specific needs they can blossom into the most charming, creative, inspiring and fun to be with kids and adults but I believe that both kids and parents often have a tough journey to get there. Raising these kids are another area where we need to be more supportive and loving against each other as parents and recognize that it´s difficult, we don´t always get it right, we are´t perfect and we do our best. (I really don´t belive anyway that any parents are “perfect” and I think it´s god that we aren´t because then we can learn our kids that it is ok not to always get it right).
Thumbs up for your scandinavian mom
I live in Umeå which is in the north of Sweden where we have short bright summers and long cold (often) winters. Where does your mom come from? Another thing that I wonder is if AP is more controversial in USA than in Sweden? I dont´t know but somehow I get that feeling (but I can be wrong). Do your mother know?
Have a nice day!
Hi Jamie, thank you for sharing this lovely (& somewhat sad) piece, it made me feel so many things…
Your mother is truly a teacher & symbol for us all, to always trust our instincts & not allow others to transfer their fear or judgements onto another. I think in another story you did you said that your mother always knew she was carrying twins even when the doctors had no idea. How incredibly powerful is that!
But what also struck me was how much “power” women seemed to have lost over the last millennium. And it is still in place.
Why does a women look to another & defy their own instinct to know about their own body & how to parent?
Did someone take away women’s power, or was it given away freely?
I feel it is a little of both – & none more rampant than in today’s world.
But get this, now so many women have turned on themselves & each other throughout all this too?! And this is something that I feel one by one we can change at an individual level – & I can only start with me.
So Jamie, let me offer you this from one woman to another… I support you for being you, no matter how that reflects upon me. I thank you for your kindness & bravery in a sometimes very unkind world. And I thank you for sharing your light, as you have brought about a massive shift in consciousness in many, no matter how that manifests itself. You shared your light with no fear, that is power. And you still stand tall & proud, & for that I am so grateful to bear witness to – as if it were me, I may have run away & hid under the covers from the sheer brutality of it all.
But women are powerful! Always have been.
Given away, taken away – which one came first isn’t the issue, it’s how we regain ourselves, our truth, our power & our instincts, & how we step forward with those things firmly in our hearts.
I believe this is also true for men. They too need to give back to themselves their own softness, their own immortal instincts that guide & nurture one another. For the feminine energy & will is that of creation, & certainly nothing to be suppressed or devalued.
***By the way Jamie, do you think you could do a piece on mastitis – how to avoid it, what to do when you have it, etc. I just feel women don’t pass on knowledge enough of what to do, & this is a major reason women stop breastfeeding – I know my mother stopped very, very early with both her children because of this. I am also really very interested in getting some of this advice from both your parents! ***
Hey Lara,
I smile when I see your name in the comments section! I always look forward to your thoughtful conversation.
Thank you again, but I completely disagree- you would not have hid, you are strong and would have done it to help better parenting for your children’s children. Just from your comments I know you are strong enough to have handled something silly like the TIME backlash- it really wasn’t that bad.
I will definitely do a piece on mastitis. I’ll ask Dr. Jay Gordon for some tips as well as my mother. I didn’t escape much during my pregnancy or in nursing, but I somehow was able to get away with not developing mastitis in the past few years of breastfeeding. My mom and sister developed it with every pregnancy, I always assumed I would get it, too.
I don’t understand the “back to sleep” thing… Am I missing something?
I got mastitis with my son (my 2nd born, Jenson) when he was about 8 months old. I tried to nurse through it, do the how shower massages and cold cabbage leaves, but none of it work. My breast got so hard that my regulated milk was literally spilling out of my nipple and I started to run a fever of 102. I had to look to antibiotics, but I was still able to nurse.
It astonishes me that women who became mothers in the 70s and 80s were all pushed away from breastfeeding, and it’s scary how long it’s taken for breastfeeding to become the norm. In my area 12% of women exclusively breastfeed their infants up to 6 months of age. It’s so sad. Nursing was my absolute favourite part of my relationship with my daughter (my firstborn, Isla), and when I gave birth to my son in less than 2 minutes he was at my nipple nursing. I love nursing, but everyone still thinks I’m crazy for nursing my son on demand (which only totals up to 10 minutes a day) at 13 months old.
Oh Cynthia, my mom and sister both shudder when speaking about mastitis. My sister has developed it a few times (she has 4 biological children) and I think two or three times she was able to get rid of it on her own. My mom other the other hand with every child got the awful fever and needed antibiotics. She says you feel absolutely awful.
I know, We’ve made great progress, but even today we aren’t where we should be as far as breastfeeding is concerned. Women are still offered formula for no reason in the hospital when they are planning to breastfeeding, and if you make it to 6 months of breastfeeding the pressure to wean starts from society. It’s crazy…
Finally catching up on your posts–this story made me so happy and so sad, I can just imagine your mom hiding in the closet! I totally remember your mom being pregnant with you, it was really magical, and something about the way your mom and dad raised you made your childhood feel magical too. I love that despite the fact that our parents were brought up in the generation of “this is how you do things, don’t question it.” We were raised to question and do what is right for our own families.
It’s funny how things change but still have a far way to go. I was sadly forced to ween my first due to a medical condition and drugs that had to be taken that a baby could not ingest. Being prem as well they kept giving him formula to boost his weight – even though I was producting enough milk to feed the whole NICU. Now I look back and cringe that all that beautiful milk and colosterum was sent down the drain!
Now I’m onto number 3 and I am like your mum. A a far more confident and happier parent. My daughter is with me every day all day. She will BF until she wants to ween – much to everyone’s disgust – including my husbands. But it is our choice and we will do what suits her and I.
However the medical profession still is not up to scratch. I wanted to continue breastfeeding but we dont’ want any more babies (at the moment). So I was put onto the pill, as this is really the only form of contreception my body is working well with (I got a uterine infection from the IUD). However this has almost totally dried up my milk. My doctor is of the opinon that it doesn’t matter she doesn’t need to feed anymore. Argh!!!! We want to though. And now I’m almost out of milk. Anyone with any ideas on how I can keep my milk up and can not produce more children please let me know. BTW no my husband will not wear a condom.