I, too, am not the babysitter.
Most teenagers aspire to look older. After all, there are advantages to looking older at that point in life. Then, sometime in their 20s or 30s, many young adults begin to purposely reverse the signs of aging. I have yet to reach that point.
Ageism is a form of discrimination I have encountered throughout most of my adult life. From being asked what grade I was in by another teacher at a conference (she “apologized” by admitting to me that she thought I was one of the student volunteers), to being asked by a real estate agent if I was looking for a home for my mom and dad, I have lost track of the amount of times I have been treated with condescendence at what others perceive to be youth and inexperience. Pregnancy and motherhood have not been the exception.
One of the most annoying things about looking 16 and pregnant (and being twice that age) is that strangers will say and do the rudest things. I started noticing that along with the “Is this your first?” comment which many enceinte women get, I would also receive a not-so-discreet glance toward the ring finger on my left hand. They wanted to make sure that I had not gotten myself into a situation of sorts, often adding, “Was this a surprise?” I did not feel like going into detail about my personal life with an absolute stranger* (*more on this major topic later), so often I would reply “No, we waited until we were financially stable and had established careers until we tried”. That bit of information would do one of a few things: shut the person up, leave them dumbfounded, or prompt them to continue their interrogation.
I was a classroom teacher until my first son was born. When I entered what I’ve termed my “permanent sabbatical”, I relished in wearing very relaxed attire. My mommy wardrobe consists of graphic tees, jeans or cargo khakis, and a perpetual ponytail. I remember when I took him to an event for a nonprofit organization for which I have volunteered for nearly a decade, that I engaged in conversation with a man who must have been around my age. We spoke about how we each were involved or knew about said organization, and about 2 minutes into the conversation he asks me, “So, whose baby is this?” When I told him that he was my son, his eyes became quite large, and he stammered, “Wow, you’re a mom! You’re so…I mean…you don’t look like you just had a baby…” Followed by the obligatory glance towards my left hand.
My oldest son looks nothing like me. Although his skin has hints of my olive complexion, he was very light hair. I speak to him exclusively in Spanish. These factors, along with others’ assumptions of my perceived age, have presented quite a problem for me.
As a newly-stay-at-home mom, I ventured out to places where other moms (I thought) hung out. As I sat on the edge of the sandbox at the park, narrating for my son, I’d have other moms ask me, in a tone much too elevated, enunciated, and slow, “How ooold isss heee?” Once when I responded, a mom actually stated, “Oh, you speak English very well”. What a strange thing to say to somebody who was born in this country, has a Master’s degree, and is a former English teacher. As a result, I found myself going out of my way to make it clear to others that I was Alastair’s mum. I began buying outfits for him in colors that matched pieces in my wardrobe, and we would go places dressed like twins. Unfortunately, that didn’t do the trick. At an outing, as a gentleman watched my mini-me play with his son, the first thing he says to me is “He’s really attached to you. So, what’s the going rate for a babysitter these days?” What an odd icebreaker. My curt reply: “I wouldn’t know, we’ve never had to hire one.”
When I was pregnant the second time around, one of the common follow-up questions to the obligatory, when, what kind of baby, etc. was, “So, was this planned?” People can be so intrusive.
Now that I have the twins, outings with all three present strangers with opportunities to blurt out some of the strangest comments. The ones that fish for whether they belong to me usually blatantly ask, “Are they all yours?” Other folk try to be slick about their information-gathering, and will ask very random questions such as “So, are you in school?” or “Do you do this full-time?” Since my patience with the curiosity of others has waned with the increasing number of crying babies in my possession, I have now made it a point to make the other person feel very, very stupid in their assumption that I am my children’s nanny. Though I have to say, I am getting more comments pertaining to twin parenting, such as questions regarding how many the doctor implanted (for the record, we did not do IVF), and less about my authenticity as their parent. I guess maybe they think nobody in their right mind would take a job looking after 3 kids under the age of 3, unless they had a personal vested interest in their lives.
Back to when I only had one: I remember a trip to a store, where the sales clerk asked me, in Spanish, how old the baby was. I responded, and she followed with “Is he yours?” I’m not sure how many other moms get asked that question, but I replied that he was indeed mine. Only this time, I added, “Why do you ask?” and she stated that it was because she thought I was so young. I told her I was 32. She said he was so cute. She then paired this with “He must look just like his father”. So, basically she said my son was adorable and in the same breath that he looked nothing like me. I replied that he actually looks just like my dad (which he does), which leads me to my next point…
Not every child has a father. Mine don’t. In fact, they have two moms. Yep. Three boys, 2 moms, a bird, and a dog. That’s our family. Carmen and I met while we were both educators. She is 3 years older than me, and I often joke about our “significant” age difference. Not too long after we started dating, strangers began to make an assumption about our relationship. A girl at a makeup counter stated that I had a very young mom. I told her that actually, my mom is in her 70s. She seemed confused, as did I. The man we hired to paint our brand-new home made the same assumption. So did the acupuncturist Carmen went to go see a few weeks ago when she threw out her back from holding the twins. What’s funny about that, though, is while I was filling out Carmen’s paperwork in the office, I thought I heard the acupuncturist ask me if I was her doctor (English is not her native language). I told her that no, I’m not an M.D., but I do know quite a bit about medicine. She looked confused. I clarified that I was her spouse, and Carmen added that we’re the same age. I then understood what she had originally said.
Perhaps the most infuriating case of this assumption for us was when we were expecting our first. We enrolled in every possible pregnancy, breastfeeding, and childcare class available at our hospital. Carmen and I, as I previously mentioned, are both educators and lifelong learners, and so we tend to sit at the very front and ask pertinent questions. The instructor of our childcare class was talking about baby powder, and how it’s something that most parents no longer use. She then said that it was “Something”, (and she asked Carmen to cover her ears), “That grandmothers tell you you should use”. Our jaws dropped, we looked at each other, and Carmen whispered, “Oh, my God, does she think I’m your mother?” For the first time ever, the anger really struck. Did she think this because I look so young? How young can I possibly look for people repeatedly to believe that my wife, who is older by only 3 years, could possibly be my mom? Or was it because we’re both Hispanic, and this woman assumed that here I was, an unmarried teenager who had to have my mom accompany me because who knows where my baby’s daddy might be? We were the only-same sex couple in the room. Interestingly, also the only Hispanic pair.
When each of us has been alone with our oldest, we have encountered the nanny assumption. Carmen has been asked, point-blank, how long she has looked after him. Her response: “Since birth. I am his mother”. When we’re together will all three boys, the assumptions run rampant. Either I’m the babysitter or the auntie, or Carmen’s the grandmother or the “help” (when a woman exclaimed recently in reaction to our family that she could hardly manage having one child of her own, and I responded that it actually wasn’t too bad having three, she remarked ‘That’s because you have help’—and motioned to Carmen, who thankfully did not hear this comment!). The alternate possibilities to our actual reality are seemingly endless in the minds of others! Here’s how it usually happens: A stranger will ask if the youngest are twins, which leads to a question about their sex, which inevitably leads one of us to say that indeed all three are boys. Then, the golden question: Which one of you is the mother? When we have responded that we both are, here are the reactions to this statement:
What do you mean?
Oh, that’s…nice (said in a confused manner)
<SILENCE> <stunned expression>
Well, I mean, which of you is the real mother?
This last question deeply irks us both. Do they mean to ask who is the biological mother? Or who carried them? And most importantly, WHY DOES IT MATTER TO THEM?!?! We are legally married. We are both on their birth certificates. End of story.
As a same-sex couple, the assumption that our children have a mom and a dad does not bother us too much, as that is the norm for most families. It is the resulting questions once a person finds out that our kids have two moms that we find are not only personal and intrusive, but also downright impolite. These questions range from who we used as our donor (that is the term we use exclusively, and we establish the term, especially when people ask if all three have the same dad), to how the child was conceived, etc. We don’t make it a point to ask intrusive questions of other couples (Think: What position were you doing it in when you got knocked up?), so I’m not sure why people think it is acceptable to ask intimate questions about our family.
While we live in what’s considered a cosmopolitan metropolis, I am taken aback by the sheer ignorance and blatant disrespect I have received from others. Anyone who has taken an intro to biology class certainly understands the essentials of genetics, and how a child is not always a mirror image of the parent. So why do people assume? Why do they think that because I have a young appearance that automatically I am a caretaker? Is it because I speak a language in addition to English? Or because my son is fairer than I am? I’ll never know what goes through someone’s head and eventually makes it out of their mouths like a runaway train, but I know I have reached a point where I am now armed with an arsenal of responses, and can finally walk away without feeling humiliated and belittled as I once did.
You have some will power holding back, I cannot imagine being questioned like that. What boggles my mind is the balls these people have to ask perfect strangers such personal questions, but you know if you turned the tables on them and asked them something like “oh when was the last time you pooped?” or “how often do you have sex” they’d look at you like you had three heads and walk away…our society is so nuts sometimes!
Your family is beautiful, great great post!!!
great post, lovely family!
i don’t want to be the voice of dissention here, but, you do look quite young, and your family is something you don’t encounter every day. and there will always be people who lack complete social grace when trying to figure out the miracle of your family.
so, try not to take it personally. just roll with it and smile, perhaps become an embassador. That way, when they meet the next two mommies, it won’t be so new, and maybe they’ll smile and think of you. and maybe just maybe, they will have learned to not blurt out all the questions in their head
I see what you’re saying. I think when you say “you family is something you don’t encounter every day, ” you’ve stated exactly what Rose was saying in her post.
I don’t think this post was created to make us fearful to speak to one another because we could say something “wrong.”
The problem is that our nation has given us a particular picture of what a family should look like, and that is where the problem lies. A lot of families (including mine) don’t look how people think we should look, and to reconcile the confusion in their mind they put us into roles they feel make sense- It isn’t meant to be hurtful or condescending, and I’m not offended unless the person is asking a generally rude question (just like some of the questions Rose was asked would have offended any person)
I think the point of this story is just to bring to light that families come on all shapes and sizes and we should recognize this as a society.
I agree with you Jamie, but I can see what the PP is saying. I don’t think all the questions she listed are necessarily rude. I can understand how they would be hurt by the assumptions people make, but when people ask questions after their assumption has been proven wrong, I think they deserve a little patience. I think many people, when taken aback by something they didn’t expect, aren’t completely in control of what comes out of their mouth. I mean we’ve all said things that we didn’t mean when caught off guard. If the mere act of questioning is always considered rude and inappropriate, how are we going to learn? I can’t say that I 100% understand how you feel because my family is painfully normal, but I can understand a little- I never wear a wedding ring, and until I had my second (who apparently has aged me significantly…) I frequently got told I looked 15 or 16 and that I couldn’t possibly be old enough to have kids. And, like you, I always dress very casually. So I got a lot of off looks and comments when I was pregnant and when I was out with my first. And I really wish the people would have questioned so I could have cleared up their misconception.
But all humans categorize and compartmentalize. It’s how our brains work, it’s how we’re able to store so much information in our brains. I find it hard to fault people for this. It’s when they move past assuming and categorizing into judging that I choose to take issue.
who cares if the questions are rude or not? the simple act of intruding upon one’s personal life can definitely be considered rude. especially when one has to answer these questions all day, every day, any time they go out in public.
OMG, I will never assume anything about anyone ever again!
What about those who are truly curious and don’t want to ask in a rude way? What is the best way? I know all about adoption speak, but not 2 moms speak or donor speak. I am a very curious person, and a photographer, and I remember one time sitting down with a Mennonite family I took pics of and just asked if I could ask about their lifestyle. They were agreeable since I asked nicely, and explained things so I could understand where they were coming from.
Many times people just don’t know what to say, so verbal diarrhea is what comes out.
With adopting, I have many people ask which child is my “real” child. My response: “They make robot kids so life-like I can see where you would have a hard time telling them apart.” This usually creates utter confusion and then I can add, “But both my children are very real and both are very much ‘my own,’ thanks.”
Can you give us some pointers as to how to properly ask questions for those who are genuinely interested and not just looking for the train wreck of assumed teen parentage or nannything or something like that?
I think asking honest questions is the best route.
I’m not offended when people as me if I’m babysitting my kids, because I can explain who I am.
I think the best question I get from curious strangers is, “are they your kids?” It’s an honest question.
It makes for a way less awkward (on both ends) conversation than, “how much do you charge an hour” and “do you work weekends?”
There are overly personal questions that Rose mentioned that aren’t ever appropriate to ask anyone.
The worst is when people judge you and make assumptions about who you are, and never say anything to you. When I first had Aram and I went out alone I would get rude stares and whispers that I could sometimes hear about how it “breaks their heart” to see such someone as young as they assumed I was with a baby.
Obviously judging people is wrong…but having preconceived notions of strangers can be as equally damaging.
I guess if you wanted to ask a question you should ask yourself, “how would I personally benefit from knowledge of this information.” Asking me my relationship with my children would be beneficial if you possibly wanted a playdate in the future, or if you wanted to make me a friend and get to know me on a casual level (most people know how many kids their friends have, and if they’re married…ect…)
Asking something like how Rose’s children were conceived would not be personally beneficial, ever. There is no need to know this information. It won’t help you build a relationship with her.
that’s some funny stuff about the robots! i’ll have to remember that!
I think you are very right about how rude it is for people asking how your children were conceived…and I totally think you should respond by saying, “How were your children conceived?” cause I think that would really make a person think about how inappropriate a question it is!
Thank you, Jamie, for this opportunity, and to all of you for your replies to my guest post. I must say, I had already put on my boxing gloves while reading the comments, expecting the worst. I am deeply appreciative.
@Mrs. Hall–I love what you wrote! I ought not load my responses to questions with the baggage that surrounds this issue for me, and I will indeed aim to be a better ambassador, rather than coming off as an angry person. I’ll do my best, and I know it’s easier for me to write than to do so.
@Allison–Great points! I have volunteered for an organization which facilitates adoptions for quite a few years, and always strive to teach others about adoption-speak. In my experiences, I have noticed that while there are generally accepted terms, sometimes these vary from family to family. For example, I am aware of some children, especially ones adopted at an older age, who still refer to their (biological) parents as their mom and dad, and have different terms for their new parent(s). Such is the case with same-sex families. Some call the donor (of either egg or sperm) either mom or dad, many others say “donor”. Some families will readily discuss how their families came to be, others (including ours) are becoming increasingly private, especially as our children get older. While we will never hide any details from our sons, we don’t want to have them feel as though their conception is a huge deal. We had the help of one person for a split second in time, and are eternally grateful to him. From that moment on, his two parents have been to every OB appointment, pediatrician checkup, etc.
My advice then: Only ask if necessary. Never assume anything. Most people will disclose information if they’re comfortable doing so, but I know for us generic questions about how old they are, etc. aren’t intrusive in the slightest bit, as every parent gets those questions. It’s when people find out one detail about our family, that we are two moms, that somehow this is a green light for a slew of questions. I understand people’s curiosity, but at the same time I don’t go up to someone who is bald and a) assume they have cancer and b) ask what kind they have because my aunt recently died of it. I know this is a strange example, but it’s about being discreet. A magical moment of not feeling like absolute pariahs in this world is when someone learns that we are a two-parent, same-sex family, and they just carry on and don’t act as if we’ve just said that we were visitors from the planet Gay. I have been candid in my responses, and there are some people who ask because they want to be more informed about families like ours, and there are others who ask because they’re simply nosy.
Also, context is key. Asking about a donor as a second question in a conversation feels intrusive to me, however I have had moms at playmates ask me, privately, in the most polite way possible, how our family came to be. I would say never to ask a stranger, especially if their verbal (or receptively verbal) children are present. If you do have questions, reach out on a forum such as this one. I am an open-book here, and will answer most questions.
Ask yourself if questions such as “who carried the baby/babies”, when asking a same-sex couple you’ve just met, either male or female, could be considered intrusive. If so, I’d suggest to refrain from asking. It’s the same as when any person with twins gets asked if they did in-vitro. Some will ask because they themselves are considering fertility treatments, others want to know just for the sake of being nosy. Some parents of multiples see this question as a chance to discuss their ordeal in trying to conceive for a decade and hope to help others by sharing their journey, others will balk at having been asked, and others did not go through any type of fertility treatment, and will state so. There is a fantastic YouTube video called “Moms of Multiples are Freaks of Nature” that is hilariously entertaining and impressively educational all in one! But I digress…
Thank you all again for reading!
This was a really inspiring post to read! I was only recently directed to your blog, Jamie, but I’ve found myself loving it and really identifying with so many things. And then I saw this guest post, and was blown away! Rose, you have a beautiful family, and I am so encouraged by the way you have dealt with any and all questions about yourself and your children, and assumptions about your family. I wish I was as eloquent when people ask if my wife is my sister, or which of us is our son’s “real” mother. I strive to have your patience one day! Thank you for sharing your story.
For those who are wondering “What can I ask? When Can I ask? How should I ask?” I’d also like to throw out there that even if your intentions are The Very Best there will be times when you should simply not satisfy your curiosity because the conversation you want to have isn’t the conversation the other person is going to have. I am a homeschooling mom to bilingual children of mixed ethnicity. I get A. LOT. of questions. Sometimes I’m happy to answer – Sometimes less so. If you take the time to become my friend FIRST I am much more willing to serve as your first stop on the Education About The Thing I Am/Do Train because we will most likely find ourselves in that conversation naturally. If you are just meeting me for the first time, are trying to keep a conversation from flagging, ask with what I perceive as a judgemental tone, etc. It’s not going to go well for either of us and frankly, my sympathy isn’t with you if you just crapped all over my day in an effort to make conversation or examine me like I was a biology dissection.
Something else to run through before asking a question is “Can I find this out on my own later?” If you can then I recommend doing that. Sometimes we are blind to our individual privileges and expect a person from a certain (often minority) group to explain their lived experience to us because we want to learn more, and here is this person in conversation with me right now! The conversation you are having that functions as information gathering (with little personal investment or impact) may not be the same kind of conversation the other person is having. It may be much, much more personal (as Rose clearly illustrated above) and even if we don’t realize why or how it’s a different conversation it’s important to accept that and respect it.
Rose – Thank you for your story. You have a lot going on in your life and I appreciate that you are willing to give of your time to share.
i do agree that most people would be unintentionaly nosy because your family to them, is not “the norm”. i was a teen mom and was constantly asked if i was babysitting. i too looked young (note the past tense on that one, i dont think so anymore! not since i found some grays!!) and it was so annoying to have people think- oh shes the big sister or the aunt.. i found that just quietly saying, “im her mother” and moving on worked best.. i guess the best thing that you can do in your situation is to continue to be gracious and put a little humor into it. my little sister was once over at a friends house when the mother had to run errands, my little sister is whiter than a sheet and my moms friend and her son are very dark skinned. so when someone was staring at them and my moms friend.. she said “Different fathers!”. the lady was shocked and didn’t look back. Hey at least she was telling the truth! thats probably something i would say too! haha! maybe you could try that
good luck with your precious family and god bless.. you are very blessed with a wonderful little family and i hope that you will continue to educate those around you about your unique and very awesome family!
I can relate to you post but in a very different way. I am white and my husband is black but according to the world our 2 boys look Hispanic. My husband is in the military and is gone a lot so I like to come home and spend time with my mother and when we go in public I can see the people looking at our little family puzzle trying to piece it all together. My mother has been referred to as both my sister and my partner and I sometimes I try and correct people and other times I just go with it at least they think that these kids are mine. Other times I could actually be nursing my youngest son and I have been asked if he was in fact my child and I would simply reply with “ohh no I am just the milk maid do you have any hungry kids?” which normally stops all further questions since I happen to be the only mom who is still nursing her son in public past his first birthday (at least the only one I have seen). But occasionally people will say I have such beautiful skin Hispanic boys and when I try to explain that their father is black they look at me like I am lying. Thankfully my boys look just like their father because I could only imagine the looks I would get from others then. I spend a lot of time on the days I am feeling sensitive to others assumptions saying things like “go give this to Granny” or “come here and Mommy will give you a hug” to try and stop onlookers heads from overloading from all the possibilities my family presents. Thank you for sharing your story I tend to be an overly curious person and I think I will ask twice now about my intrusive questions
I was breastfeeding once and someone asked if that was my baby. (I’m Chinese, DH is caucasian). And I still get asked if this child is my first – I love the look I get when I reply that he’s my fourth and my first is in high school!
LOL I really don’t understand why people thing questions like that are appropriate to ask a stranger!
Great blog, loved it!
Nice to hear about you and carmen ….! You have a lovely and beautiful family. Thanks for posting this guest post on your blog ,Jamie….its great to just read on and on.
I’ve been asked some really dumb questions too, because people think I look young. And what’s funny about that is that when I look in the mirror, I totally see the 31-year-old woman that I am, complete with fresh gray hairs, smile lines, and stretch marks. I guess they assume I’m younger just because I’m short and don’t wear pantsuits? I don’t know. Or people will see my kids together and assume that one of them is not mine, because they’re about the same size and they look nothing alike. Siblings CAN have different-colored hair, and when they’re close in age they’ll be close in size.
Just keep on keeping on. People will always ask dumb questions, no matter what your situation is.
Just wanted to write a note in solidarity. I’m white so that takes out a few of your issues, but I am a young looking, married to another woman, mom of a toddler. I try to laugh it off and tell stories like people’s idiocy is hilarious but it is amazing the assumptions people make and how much I am taken aback when it happens. In a breastfeeding class I asked about pumping so a partner could feed the baby and the woman must have used husband in her answer about 100 times. We had to go to the hospital and a nurse assumed my wife was my mother and could the baby’s father (who we obviously had not mentioned) bring some clothes from home. She was so embarrassed we got some special treatment after that, but still!
I guess the flip side, which has been mentioned, is that I get to educate people about their assumptions and about what families can look like. I do appreciate those opportunities.
And whenever anyone asks ‘who is her real mom’ I answer that neither of us is imaginary
This post was fascinating and I read through most of the comments, although I confess not all, so I apologize if I’m being redundant. I have a very wide variety of friends, that includes some same-sex and interracial couples, and adoptive parents, handicap people, and some that are a combination of these things, all of which would all be considered “different” (I hate that, which is why I use quotes). I fully recognize that people are rude, but on the other hand, some people aren’t. For me, I would never approach a stranger and ask a question, but if I were in a conversation with someone at a park and learned that there were two moms, I think I would ask the question about a donor. Not because I am nosy, but for the same reason I read this post, I appreciate the education I get every time I learn someone’s story. Or I’m curious because of the experiences I am familiar with in my own circle of friends and family. I would like to point out though, that even people who would be considered average, we get those questions too. My husband and I are both white and look like brother and sister, it’s obvious when you’re around us that we’re not, but people still point it out (strange thing to say to two people holding a baby and kissing, but we laugh it off). He is from Denmark, and people often, I mean clerks in grocery stores, everyone, randomly ask about his accent, how we met, whether we’ll leave the country, etc. I am 31 and look like I’m somewhere between the ages of 30 and 32, so does my husband, but I still get questioned about whether my daughter is mine and whether she was my first when I was still pregnant. I took it to be a conversation thing, and a general curiosity about other people, not an intrusion or an accusation of me seeming out of the ordinary. Anyway, I get a question in some way or another everywhere I go and I have always thought it was just people being chatty, and general fascination with babies and moms. What I say is not to any way discount your experiences, and in fact, I am certain that people are giant buttheads in ways that I can’t even begin to recognize from where I’m sitting, and our past experiences naturally tint how we view our present, but sometimes, just sometimes, we’re not meaning to be jerks….or maybe I’m just being harshly judged a lot more than I realize