Our children often need us and the message of love at times when it seems like they least deserve it!
My four year-old loves to investigate things. This means he is very happy to spill stuff, open cupboards, and search the house for anything he wants to learn about. This also means that sometimes he makes decisions that are a bit perplexing like spilling glue all over the table to see what it feels like or breaking a marker and running water to “catch the colors”.
Sometimes people ask me how it is that I don’t totally lose my cool when I discover another one of his messes or undertakings. The thing is, knowing him, I don’t just expect these messes, I try to support them. I know how much he learns from them, and he is even becoming more and more responsible because of his natural curiosity!
I really believe that when we become more realistic in our expectations of ourselves and our children we can start to truly enjoy the gift that it is to be together and focus on building a relationship and a life full of meaningful moments. Because I know how much my son loves to explore, I try to have an ample supply of safe items around that he can use for his explorations and I always involve him in the process of cleaning up his messes. What’s more, because we have never really shamed him about any experiments, my son is not afraid to ask for help!
Of course there are limits, and we keep things safe. Dangerous items are not allowed to be played with, we expect respect towards our pets, other people in the house and overall my son has a good idea of what things are absolutely off limits. Sometimes, he makes mistakes, and then, we get to talk about it and look for solutions.
Recently, while playing with some mud in the garden, my son decided to use a drinking glass from the kitchen to make a mud concoction. I wasn’t really happy with that choice. I approached him, joined him in his play. I scooped up some mud, we laughed about it, we smiled at each other. Then, I let him know that the drinking glasses were off limits but that there was a box of containers under the sink he could have. Immediately he offered “oops mom, I will wash it up and get something else”. That was it, no shame, no blame, no struggle.
Do you have a curious preschooler? What would happen if you accepted her mistakes, appreciated effort and then simply supported your child in their endeavors? I often find that not demanding, not reprimanding but simply supporting children and helping them find a solution, from a place of love, appreciation and connection goes such a long way!
Peace & Be Well,
Ariadne
Ariadne Brill is a certified positive discipline parenting educator. She is the author of positive parenting connection, a resource for gentle parenting and positive yet effective discipline. She has three children, loves chocolate and is passionate about helping parents and children create harmony at home.
I have a curious eight year old. God help me. I also have an arrow gouged into my kitchen drawer, handprints that aren’t his (he says), but are exactly the size of his hands, and won’t come off the wall… I also have a hole in his bedroom wall, right by the headboard of his bed. I must say, I was less than amused, and was not okay with it. Examples like a drinking glass in the mud I can live with (ONCE), but not when it starts to become expensive.
Anna,
sounds like a lot going on at your house! Wondering if you invited your eight yr old to help you fix that whole in the bedroom and repaint the spot on the wall – could you do it like a project together, a special time together to fix it? thank you for sharing your experience!
What a beautiful post! I went to your website and see that you are a certified gentle parenting coach. How did you go about that certification? Does it involve some sort of practice where you counsel people? I’m so curious! Thanks for posting this-very inspiring.
Hi Terri,
I am certified in positive discipline, I trained under a program created by Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott (the authors of the Positive Discipline Series) I do some private coaching which is very rewarding – mostly parents ask for help with potty learning, bed time issues, how to deal with tantrums and such. Thank you for your very kind words!
This is so great! I’m hoping to learn more about positive parenting, for my baby gets older. Spanking didn’t teach me much, lol. Thanks for this post, Ariadne!
How wonderful Erin that you want to move beyond and past the spanking and be more positive for your baby
best wishes to you on your journey!!
I can see myself doing what you said in the example, but what do you do if your husband is NOT that way at all. He is in the military and spends all day yelling at soldiers, so he comes home with that mentality. He expects perfection, and when the kids don’t measure up, he disciplines… harshly. Not physically, but he will lecture and speak to them in a very harsh manner and make them feel like they can never do anything right. Patience and compassion are not his strong points lol I have tried speaking to him many times about it, but he feels like this is the way he was raised and the way kids should be raised and I am too lenient. I am left with crying, sad, kids who feel like they can never do anything right and that their dad thinks they are not good enough. I try to build them up as much as I can, but sometimes they just want their dad’s love and affection. My husband loves them dearly… he is a very devoted father, but I feel like all his years in Iraq and Afghanistan have taken their toll on him and his patience.
Thank you for this. I really agree that parents need to hold their children to realistic expectations. It’s always hard to watch a parent get so upset with a toddler or preschooler who is doing something expected of a child that age. I always try to stop and remind myself that my kids don’t think like adults bc they aren’t adults. They need help understanding things, and 99% of the time their messes come from curiosity or not fully understanding cause and effect. It’s hardly ever out of trying to disobey or frustration.