“Girls just don’t like me.”
I started hearing those words for the first time in middle-school. I still hear grown women saying some form of that phrase (“All of my friends are men, I just get along with them better” – bet you’ve heard that one before). I bought into it like everyone else did. I had friends tell me that other girls didn’t like me, and so the seed was planted. I learned to judge and fear women, and they did the same to me.
I’m not buying it anymore. Sure, women may pass initial judgments on one another for whatever reason (all fear-based). I’ve definitely been judged by other women before they’ve gotten to know me. However, within five minutes of speaking with someone, those preconceived judgments melt away along with any initial criticism they originally had.
We are so disconnected and taught at an early age to rival one another, but the truth is that women want to connect with each other, and it’s not hard to do. Female misogyny is not evolutionarily driven, it’s cultural. It’s simply society teaching us to fight. We are social by nature and strongest when we are encouraging to others in our community. I do not believe that any sex is supreme over another (I definitely don’t want to sound like a misandrist), but I wonder if these culturally generated female wars were created out of fear, because they know what we are capable of together. By pitting women against each other we are essentially distracting women when we would otherwise be in agreement on many issues.
I get along with men and women. I still have more fear approaching a woman than a man. I am a prime example of the product of the West in many ways. It’s hard to shake a thought that is deep-rooted inside of you, but consider different times in history when women really banded together with such strength.
I love this quote from The F Word:
For women to flourish, we need to band together. We need to re-create the sense of female connection we once had during biblical days around the village well and in the Red Tent where women gathered, shared stories, supported each other, and passed on their female wisdom. I am not suggesting that things were great for women then, but I am saying that we have lost that essential sense of community that women had then. The saying “together we stand, divided we fall” is true.” – The F Word, Rosjke Hasseldine , 14 June 2008
That kind of relationship is worth getting out of your comfort zone for.
Bottom line: We need each other.
it’s always interesting to me when women don’t get along with other women. I love that you’re choosing to be above all of that. I think it’s rather humorous that the one lady is not impressed by the other lady’s boobs hanging out, LOL. perfect picture for the post
Thanks Christina. And I love that photo!
So true! I always felt like girl friendships were hard work for me, since I grew up in a family of all boys and considered myself somewhat of a tomboy. The short “boy” haircut didn’t help either:-) Thankfully, through lots of grace in my life, I have many amazing women walking with me in relationships! Couldn’t live without my sister-friends! xoxo
Yep, exactly! There is no reason we can’t get along with everyone. There is something to be said about female relationships- especially in adulthood. However that isn’t the diminish all the wonderful friendships and bonding you have with your male buddies!
I used to be one of those women, and you’re so right! All of that stuff is just an expression of fear and hurt. Over the last few years I’ve really strengthened my relationships with other women, and I am definitely better for it. I’m so glad to read this. Thank you!
I think most of us were like that. Even if we thought we were the victim we were really the attacker, too. The only way to combat it is to realize this is happening and we are a part of it- then take back our relationships with each other. It sounds like you already have done that! yay!
What a great discussion. I am one of those women who say “I get along better with guys.” and “I don’t have many female friends.” But as I think on it, that’s not true. The female friends that I have are plentiful in that they are tried and true. I think the goal with any relationship is finding compatibility and being selective. If you surround yourself with countless “acquaintances” you’ll invariably find cattiness. So that’s what I seek to avoid.
I do have to be honest though. I judge wrongly. I did it last night when my hot neighbor’s girlfriend came over. She’s all perfect looking with zero body fat and I wanted the daggers I was throwing to hit her square between the eyes. I was green. I was jealous. I was self-loathing.
THAT is the origin of what women do to each other. It is rooted in jealousy. I’m not proud that I had that moment and it certainly wasn’t fair to this girl. And it did not make her ugly. It made ME ugly.
(and you could not have chosen t a better photo for this post… brilliant)!
LOL Spank I LOVE your honesty. How cool of you.
I also hate when I see other women trying to set themselves apart by disparaging stereotypical “female” traits.
“Oh, I’m not like most girls! I hate shopping and I play video games.” To me what they’re really saying is, “I’m totally rad like all of the boys that you know!”
We need to think before we act on the urge to bring down other women by belittling their feminine traits.
Oh, and I hate it whenever I see Facebook statuses that say things like, “REAL women….(insert drivel here)!” EVERY woman is a REAL woman, regardless of whatever intricacy that Facebook thinks we should subscribe to.
*drops mic, walks away*
LOL *applauds*
I have seen first hand how women can be their own worst enemies. It’s completely frustrating to have a woman in your family that insist on being competitive and tries to tear you down versus being supportive and a champion for other women in her life. Speaking from experience, knowing a woman who says she gets along with men better is infuriating because it’s almost like she sabotages the friendship/relationship so that there is drama and tension between us.
Ladies, i plead with you, why can’t we just all get along?
Amen, Sarah!
I agree “we all need each other.” Society/culture is constantly teaching us to judge/rival others whether its other females or mommies or based on religion/race/ethnicity/sex etc. It becomes a defensive mechanism because we are taught that others are judging us first. We must get past that to realize we are more powerful when we get together and realize how much we have in common. We do need that sense of community back. As moms we have to set an example so we can teach the same to our children.
EXACTLY…..thanks for this comment. I couldn’t agree more!
The worst part of female misogyny is that it errodes all females rights! If women would just support women rather than being so dead set on being “different” or “special” than other women, we would each be able to define our own womanhood how we see fit to define it.
Exactly! I think in the same article from the F word that I linked to, they were speaking about how it is the greatest threat to female equality.
I have never said the “girls just don’t like me” but I will say that I have an easier time understanding guy friends than girl friends. I have 3 older brothers and no sisters. I am more comfortable hanging with the boys, but I LOVE my girls too! I ended up with 8 bridesmaids because I couldn’t choose which of my sister/friends to have. I also have several sisters-in-law, my 3 brother’s SO and my husband’s 2 sisters. I have a hard time understanding his 2 sisters the most. They take the competitive tendencies of siblings and add in the fact that they are female, and boy, can we have explosive family gatherings!! On the flip side, my husband tends to get along better with women…which just proves we were made for each other!
oh I love this. So much.
YAY! Thank you….
I found you through the Time magazine drama, and heard about how you are apparently seeking attention and not very bright.
Well, after reading I can only say this: there are not many people out there like you. You remind me of myself when it comes to your thought processes, and I will be sure to follow your blog from now on. You are beautiful inside and out. Thank you for being a trailblazer in this crazy, crazy world.
I really hope you get a Twitter, at least with automatic blog/FB updates!
Love and Light,
Melissa
Hey Melissa. I reached out to you on twitter.
LOL thank you. I love how people assume so much about people they have never met before- in my case from a single image.
I don’t know why someone would actively seek negative attention of their family for no other reason than to become famous, it’s not fun- and we knew that going into it. We knew there would be attention on the image selected by TIME (although, we were not prepared for the global coverage it ended up getting) and we were expecting it to be negative. The only reason we agreed to do it was to share publicly something we believe in that is not accepted by the Western World. So many parents have written me saying they’ve been closet parenting their children because of fear of society’s reaction. It needed to stop, and this was our small way or trying to take a stand. Our parenting style is to do what we know is right for our family, and to teach our children that life isn’t easy, but it is worthwhile to take an uncompromising stand on issues to know in your soul and 100% good and true.
I’m so glad to find someone else who has similar views of global community and going against such hateful separatist views that our flooding mainstream media everyday. Can’t wait follow your blog, too.
Thanks, Jamie, for addressing this. I’ve been hearing this from my girlfriend the entire time I’ve known her, and it’s been wearing on me. “I just don’t get along with women” she says, or “women are too caddy” and I’ve been trying to get to the bottom of it. She is a product of the West as well, is attractive, very fit, and – um – large in the bust. She is easy on the eyes, so of course “men” are going to welcome her, make jokes, and try to befriend. Women are – by nature – going to be more cautious, and of course, be judgmental before she even opens her mouth. My main question, however, is – can this ever change? She has her clique of girlfriends, which is in an approximate 10:1 ratio compared to all her guy friends. That doesn’t bother me so much, however, her unwillingness to get to know some of my close girlfriends simply because “she doesn’t like girls” bugs the heck out of me. How can I get her to see a different light, and try to be willing to accept other women into her life?
Best,
Scott
I love the point if this post and completely agree. I wa very relieved when I felt like I was able o overcome my discomfort around female peers. It started after I was able to find a community of women with similar interests. From there it has become easier to find at least one way to connect with each woman I meet and to find strength in that connection.
This is going to sound like a quibble, but it’s not intended to be but there is no good one word term for female misogyny. I came across gynemisogyngy on urban dictionary and I like it. Woman hating by a man is misogyny, man hating dine by a woman is misandry but where’s the nifty sounding Latin term for women hating women? Here’s the link: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=gynemisogyny
I can not tell you how many times I come back to this post. It also takes me back to middle school. Oh, how I dreamt of being that full figured girl that all the boys drooled over. Hell, I looked like a boy well into by adult years. So I often found myself surrounded by boys & men because I felt “safe” the point is I am a very confident adult now & adore my female friendships & have no “real” male friends anymore. So ladies, don’t let that girl with the Pretty blond hair & big boobs drive you away, embrace her & better yet embrace yourself. @Spank, you are down right cool chick to be point blank. It is what it is. We are all incredible in our own way.
I see this so much in Tech and Video Game Industries. Unfortunately it only seems to be getting worse. But hopefully as myself and other female friends stand up against women hating on other women, the trend will catch on. I think in these industries the more women mentor other women we will see change.
so true! we are very complicated and most man aren’t, in High school my best friend was a guy and I loved him, he helped me to get and get rid of boys I didn’t like, it was so much fun!
You have got to be at least half my age, so it saddens me that things haven’t really changed in the past 30 (or more) years. On the other hand, excellent blog post! I’ve never understood why women, overall, don’t get the concept of team sports or why they are so reluctant to use other women as mentors? During a childbirth class in November of 1983 a young pediatrician by the name of Jay Gordon said to me, “Of course you can beastfeed your child!” I found mentors when I had problems in the early days after birth, and after the next two births became an IBCLC (board certified lactation consultant) with the encouragement of my female friends and mentors!
We need to encourage, support and celebrate the women in our lives whether they are family, friends or colleagues! As you quoted, “together we stand, divided we fall.”
Thank you, Jamie, for this timely post.