Baby Aram demonstrating safe co-sleeping in mommy and daddy’s bed- fitted flat surface, safe adult pillows, and guard rail.
Mayim Bialik came out with a new Attachment Parenting book, Beyond the Sling: A Real-Life Guide to Raising Confident, Loving Children the Attachment Parenting Way.
This book has stirred up a lot of emotion among mothers practicing different parenting styles.
The hot topic has been co-sleeping.
We are a co-sleeping family. I co-slept with my parents as a child, and Brian and I co-sleep with our children.
I thought co-sleeping was almost a non-issue in the US, but I was wrong. I have never heard more abhorrent comments among misinformed mothers, regarding co-sleeping.
I then discovered Milwaukee launched a very public anti-co-sleeping campaign:
The campaign is proving not to be effective in preventing infant deaths (impaired co-sleeping has admittedly been the cause of the deaths reported, as opposed to safe/precautionary/normal co-sleeping.)
However, the propaganda will undoubtedly feed the public’s misguided view and unacceptance of co-sleeping. Thanks Milwaukee.
In light of all of this really disturbing information, I’ve decided to speak out about my co-sleeping beliefs. This is not to bash anyone who chooses not to co-sleep with their child. I would defend any mother’s right to choose the best place for their child to sleep. Whether that be in a crib up to current safety standards, or in a adult bed with parents educated in safe-cosleeping – the right choice is different for every family.
I’ve selected three co-sleeping myths that I am commonly presented with when I tell someone about our parenting practices.
Myth #1:
You will kill your baby
The primary concern for parents considering co-sleeping is the danger that has been reported (parents rolling over on the child, child suffocating in covers, or higher likelihood of SIDS than in a crib.) Unfortunately, like all information in the media, the details are either left out, or misconstrued. (See this study.)
There are measures every parent should take to ensure the safe sleeping of their child in their bed. ( Safe Co-sleeping Habits)
I am not suggesting everyone should co-sleep with their child. However, there are only a few instances where it is unquestionably risky for a child to share a bed with their parents:
Parents using drugs or alcohol before bed, are extremely obese, and/or suffer from certain sleep disorders, are good examples of people who put their children at risk during co-sleeping.
There has been an assumption that our species practices solitary nocturnal sleep, but in actuality that thought has been culturally derived. Anthropologists have stated for quite some time that normalcy for homo sapiens is a social sleep environment. (The Rise of Homo sapiens: The Evolution of Modern Thinking, by Fredrick L. Coolidge and Thomas Wynn)
Co-sleeping is part of our biological and evolutionary makeup. For the past four million years, hominids have slept with their parents- causing an evolution of the infant’s sleep, breathing and arousal. There have been several studies done that have discovered mother-to-infant sleep stages intertwined throughout the night, with sensory communication constantly occurring between them. (American Journal Of Physical Anthropology, Volume 83, Pages 331-347.)
With nocturnal separation being a complete biologically unusual experience for a human infant, the studies then went on to explore the possibility of SIDS rates being lower in co-sleeping infants. And it was discovered that infant apnea was decreased by up to 60% in co-sleeping babies.
Myth #2:
Co-sleeping children will never become independent.
Co-sleeping does not mean your child will turn into a co-dependent adult. Obviously, during younger years there is a required dependence of a child on the mother. If a child is assured of close proximity to the mother, he or she will be more independent throughout childhood and adulthood. Studies have shown that early co-sleepers (co-sleeping beginning at infancy) showed more self-reliance and social independence than solitary sleepers. (Infant and Child Development Volume 13, pages 369-388)
From my personal experience co-sleeping with my parents, I agree completely with this study. I was the youngest of my siblings, and the only child my parents practiced attachment parenting with. My sister will joke that the reason I live five hours away from my parents and she lives five minutes away is because of my security due to co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding (she currently is practicing Attachment Parenting with all five of her kids.)
Aram is another example of an independent co-sleeper. When he was 2.5 years old, we left him for a week with my parents when we went to Hawaii. He went from never being away from us overnight (still breastfeeding, mind you) to being away from us for seven days. When the time came, my parents were shocked at how well both boys were doing. They did not cry, they knew we were gone, but had a realistic view of when we would return. When we returned, they spoke about the fantastic vacation they experienced at Grandma and Grandpa’s.
We have been away overnight countless times after this, all with the same positive results.
Myth #3:
Co-sleeping does not allow you to be intimate with your husband.
Anyone who is implying that sex can only happen in the bedroom should be getting my sympathies, not the other way around.
Interesting post Jamie, I appreciate your links to other resources. Job well done my friend!
I do have to say however, that I am INSANELY selfish about sleep. If I could, I would have a bed and a room and a house all to my own somewhere deep in the forest because I like sleep that much. lol No co-sleeping for me!
Thank you! And thanks for letting me know my comments were turned off to this post. I felt so unpopular today.
LOL Happy Mamas make happy babies- no shame in liking to sleep alone. I’d be really upset if someone was attempting to make you feel guilty for not co-sleeping. #crazyjudgementalparents.
I love the de-bunking of Myth #3!
Haha! Thanks Adrienne, that’s my favorite, too.
Loved it. All 4 of my children co-slept with me and the last sentence of your post sums it up completely.
Scott, between the love for Ikea meatballs and the co-sleeping I am now thinking we are twins separated at birth.
I think people tend to believe that their way of doing things is the only right way. I am not one of those people. I am a selfish sleeper (I even make my husband have a separate blanket so he doesn’t take mine) so co-sleeping was never an option for me but I certainly don’t think people that do co-sleep are doing anything wrong. As long as we all end up with confident, healthy, happy, and independent children, I say go for it!
I love that Sharlene! I completely agree!
co sleeping was not something I was comfortable with when my children were infants. but now that they are 3 and 4 I love the morning snuggles and a few hours in bed snoozing on the weekends
We STILL co sleep with our children. They are independent little individuals that simply prefer to be close to mommy and daddy. They’re 2 and 4 so obviously they were never harmed in the process and my husband and I have manged to keep our intimacy intact : ) Great post!
We never co-slept with our kids until they got older. We did it backwards..
Great post on what people should be aware of!
My husband is an erratic sleeper and my daughter is a kicker. Co sleeping would be harmful to ME! LOL.
I find people have a problem with any parenting they dont do themselves. For me- the kid is happy, healthy and alive- it’s all good.
Hi Jaime! I co-slept with both of my children with a co-sleeper attached to my bed. Mind you, this was before they were frowned upon. I loved having them next to me, being able to see them, hear them ,and nurse them by just pullling them over to me. It’s a special time all being in one room. Today, they are 4 and 2 and both sleeping independently in their own rooms. Occasionally, one will wake up in the midle of the night & come climb in bed with us. I love the closeness of cuddling in this serene, quiet time. I also beleive that to each his own & whatever works for everyone to get a good nights sleep should be the way to go.
believe…had to correct typo! Not olny to do they like to climb in bed with me…they like to climb on my lap while mommy is on the computer as well!
I absolutely love co-sleeping! I sleep so much better when my baby is close to me. Mr. D is not impressed, however =( if we had a larger bed I think he would be much more agreeable, lol. still, we’ve done a lot of co-sleeping, and I will never regret any of it. I cherish this time in my kids’ lives, it goes waaay too fast. I’m not worried about them being independent, not one iota.
I hate to say something negitive, but I am obese and I see nothing wrong with co-sleeping with my son I do not like that you added being obese in your unquestionably risky section. I would like to know why you think it is risky? you should have added something like overly tired not obese.
Oh goodness…I did not mean to offend you! I actually read that from Dr. Sears- here is what he said about co-sleeping and obesity: [do not co-sleep if] You are extremely obese. Obesity itself may cause sleep apnea in the mother, in addition to the smothering danger. http://www.askdrsears.com/topics/sleep-problems/sleep-safety/safe-co-sleeping-habits
So you are right, being overly tired or an overly sound sleeping and being large probably makes the risk higher. Also if you have sleep apnea from being overweight. It doesn’t mean if you are obese it cannot be done safely. Thanks for enlightening me!
I am overweight as well and we still safely co-sleep. I agree that the danger is when sleep apnea is involved because of being obese. Since I’m also a breastfeeding mom, I’m completely aware of my baby all night long and I don’t have any sleep apnea issues, so it works for us. It’s still something to consider when making the choice to co-sleep, though, so I’m glad you included it in your post.
regarding point #3: My parents were co-sleepers, and the way it worked in their household was: the new baby slept with them, the “old” baby moved on to a bed with another sibling. They had nine kids, so don’t tell me co-sleeping impedes a sex life. That’s just an excuse…
We have slept in the same bed with our 2 year old since she was about 8 months old (she was in a pack-n-play right next to the bed before that). I get asked about myth #3 all the time, especially now that we are trying for #2! I am stealing your response from now on! “Anyone who is implying that sex can only happen in the bedroom should be getting my sympathies, not the other way around.” It is the PERFECT response! Thanks for sharing!
Great post. We cosleep with our now 9 month old, and I don’t want it any other way! We start the night with her in her crib, then when she wakes around midnight she comes in with us. It’s a good arrangement. I’m so glad I can be there when she wakes up and see her sweet smiles. The best start to our days! Plus, I breastfeed, and it made everything so much easier to cosleep. I’m not sure I could have kept it up if we didn’t.
Tiffany- yes! I found that co-sleeping ended up helping me sleep better because of breastfeeding. I sometimes slept without a shirt on and when Aram was a few months old he would latch on without even waking me.
Coming from a society where people think you belong in a mental institution if you mention that your kids slept in your bed with you from birth, it’s very relieving to know that this is actually practised out there. I don’t dare mention that at 17 my daughter still sleeps with me. #hipstermombeforeitwascool
Oh, it is practiced for sure. There are a lot of us and people are starting to realize it is a legitimate parenting option.
Love this! We co-sleep with our 6 month old and I love it!
It seems like so many people have a negative opinion of it, so it was really nice
to read this!
Thanks for posting.
Kari