I vaguely remember meeting Aram for the first time.
He was three days old and they wheeled me into the NICU. One of the nurses rolled me up to a little plastic container holding him.
I went to peek in but before I could see him another nurse stopped me. “I’m sorry, I just need to check your ID bracelet and make sure it matches the baby’s. I know, you’re thinking ‘but I know my own baby!’ I’m sorry, it’s just protocol.” Overwhelming sadness came over me. I had never seen him before…I wouldn’t know my own baby and I was happy she was checking the bracelet to make sure.
Then, I finally got to see him. He was so little and a bit jaundiced. They wanted me to give him a bottle of the milk Brian had been pumping for me (obviously, my breasts, but he was doing the work) while I was in what I felt like was a coma the past three days. They warned me he was born without a sucking reflex and we would probably end up gavaging after 15 minutes if he wasn’t taking any in through the synthetic nipple.
They snapped a photo while I was feeding him:
Aram ended up refusing bottles and only wanted to breastfeed once his sucking reflex developed. Breastfeeding ended up working out for our family. It was something we fought to do, but we know a bit of luck was involved, as well. I was able to produce milk without a problem, Aram was able to latch, and I had a very supportive family – these factors contributed to our success. I also think knowing that there was always another option, and no matter what my baby would get fed, led to a peace and relaxation in the process of finding out how we would eventually nourish our child.
I had other pictures from the same day we met him that showed me breastfeeding him, but we somehow lost those photos. Only the very first photo of him bottle feeding remains, and I’m glad. I remembered the relief I felt when the NICU nurses were showing me how they and my husband (overly tired spreading his time visiting me in one area of the hospital and Aram in another) were feeding Aram while I was gone. I still had thoughts I might not live much longer (PTSD had already started). I had such comfort in the fact that if I wasn’t there my child would still be cared for and loved, and the bottle symbolized that for me.
I am proud to be a breastfeeding mother. I also love the above photo of Aram with a bottle, and everything I feel it represents. We should be so grateful we are living in a part of the world where our children have multiple ways to be nourished. There are many areas of the world where there are no options:
Photo of a malnourished child in last year’s famine in Somalia. One article explained once the mother becomes severely malnourished she stops producing milk there are no other options to feed her child. Many children die on the cracked dry breasts of their mothers, desperate for one last effort to produce a few drops to keep their child alive a little longer.
If someone wants me to bash bottle feeding I won’t do it.
Education is extremely important. I don’t think the research on formula or breastfeeding should stop, but judgment needs to.
Just think if we focused all of that energy hating one another and put it toward something truly worth hating?
I say let’s do it. No time like the present. Mothers are forces to be reckoned with and once we find a cause worth fighting for, we are unstoppable.
Dr. Llyod Greig spoke about the Ethiopian famine of the 1980s in a recent interview. All these years later, he still was visibly crying as he spoke about how he just wanted the people to die with dignity, but it was impossible to do when dying from hunger.
My fellow mothers, this is what we should be fighting. We need to be at war with something truly evil – starvation.
Thinking about this tonight, I’m not just going to suggest we do something. I’m giving a call to action.
We’ve looked into the famine, and found that the more urgent problem is the water crisis. While there has been some relief for the famine, the WHO and UNICEF have reported that the number two cause of death under five is water-related illness. Water is also the first step in being able to grow crops.
Waves for Water is currently working on a project really close to our heart. If you’re interested in learning more, check Waves for Water here. You can also donate below.
I cried when I saw the picture of that poor baby (not Aram, his picture is beautiful) I recently finished a book called Wine to Water by my fellow North Carolinian, Doc Hendley and also heard him talking about his efforts to bring clean water to Sudan and more specifically, Darfur. Its left me with this overwhelming sense of needing to help, wanting to GO help. I’m not sure thats really feasible right now, my daughter just turned one, I’m a SAHM and therefore her primary caregiver, making my husband the primary (only) wage earner. But I want some more info on this effort, I want to help somehow.
Kristina, there are so many things you are able to do without traveling or giving monetary donations. Your time is actually worth more than anything!
I’m sending an email out.
I just started reading your blog. You might not even see this. I am a mother to 3 boys. I am currently nursing my 8 month old. I just looked at the picture of the Ethiopian boy and wanted to go immediately there and start feeding all the children. I pray to God all the time for the children of the world. I too am a SAHM, but would like to help somehow!
You’re right, and it’s not just bottle vs. breast. It’s all the mommy wars. I don’t understand why women have to be so judgmental and hateful towards each others. I think it is an intrinsic problem with guilt- I’ve heard moms tell other moms that motherhood=guilt. I wholly and systematically reject that. Perhaps that is why I am not judgemental (much) of other people’s parenting decisions- I feel little or no guilt for my own. I do what I do, I improve when I can, and if I feel guilty about something, I change it. I don’t feel guilty for telling my kids no when I need to or for making them do chores. I think it is guilt that drives moms to judgement and hate. I feel very Yoda-ish right now:)
Anyway… What can I do to help? In a perfect world I would love to actually travel to Africa and physically help, but realistically that won’t happen until my kids are older and, well, I can afford the plane ticket!
Brandi, I’m putting together an email with everyone that commented wanting to help. Look out for it!
After today’s post I felt compelled to comment.
I have been following your blog since the time magazine article. I wanted to know more about you and your motives and what shaped them. I am a psychiatrist, mother of 3, one adopted from South Korea and I work full time. I have engaged in the judgemental pettiness of this mother war partially becasue of my own insecurities and hyper sensitivity to being judged. I was bottle fed and always believed that I would bottle feed my children. I was bombarded by lactation consultant talks in medical school, that provided a very one sided view that breast feeding was the only option for your child to be healthy. After my son was born, I gave breast feeding a try and I failed- despite my very utmost effort. I eventually decided ,weighing all the factors. that my child needed formula and that was what was best for my family. When I saw your article and the picture, I expected to come to the site and see a one sided preaching view that breast feeding is the only option and the vilification of mothers unable to do so. that is not what I found and I am very impressed. You are young but wise beyond your years. I wanted to not like you and your ideas because they are not the same as mine, but I found myself listening instead. I think you are an advocate for what is right for familes, whatever that may be and for people to feel good about the options they choose when they are made in educated and thoughtful ways. while I would not had considered breast feeding my adopted child, bottle feeding felt unjudged in her situation and that was rather freeing, (it shouldnt be like that), if I had a way to comfort her like that I would have given her that in a moment. You will do anything to comfort your babies when they are scared and uncomfortable, sometimes that is with a bottle sometimes a breast, but the sentiment is the same. I know that I am a better person, when I am working and treating patients..a better mother,too. so why do I feel so judged and defensive, prompting me to judge others who dont work outside the home. Insecurity is the answer and there are starving babies in this country and around the world and we mommies are engaging in an all out battle about what and how to feed our babies. Iwe are priveledged to have choices. I am so impressed by your thoughts and ideas and your desire to help children and just wanted to tell you so!
Oh goodness, thank you so much Courtney! I read this back about four times your comments meant so much to me. Yes, thank you for understanding my intentions with the cover. I don’t like the fact that mothers are not able to mother the way they need to for a healthy family because of our society. It is unfortunate that TIME used the tagline that they did because it goes against everything we were trying to do. It is funny, even more so than being an advocate for children, my heart is really with helping or connecting with other mothers… That is where my true passion lies. Keeping families thriving together, because I understand the plight of mothers and the various hardships we all must go through… there is also suffering mothers encounter that I hope I will never understand (like watching my child starve to death). We can do so much good together, and we all need each other. I think the past few months a change has been happening. We’re realizing the mommy wars are driven by society and the media. Mothers are participating, but not the cause. We need to start realizing healthy parenting looks different for each family. I hate that women feel guilt working. Even most stay-at-home-mothers need an outlet that in fact separates them from there child for part of the day or week/weekend. Perhaps there is a small percentage of women who really thrive being with their children all day long and never getting a break, but that is definitely not how I am. I understand that the most important job I will ever do is be a mother. However, that does not change the fact that I’m my own individual with a passion and drive that reaches outside the home. What a wonderful example it is for our kids, too. Seeing that we are real people that go after our passions and still love our families more than life itself. There should be no shame in that. I am about to leave for Ethiopia (without my family on this trip) and I have started the per-separation guilt. Then I thought- if I stayed at home all the time what kind of a person would I be? I realized I would be unfulfilled and a shell of myself, not doing what I feel I was called to do in my life. I would exist with my children, but I wouldn’t be present…do you know what I mean? That isn’t fair to my entire family. I think it is possible to make selfish choices, too…but each individual can sense when something is right or wrong. It is pretty clear to me if I’m more present in my parenting when I make a specific choice that sends me away from my children for a few hours to a week- it is anything but selfish. I know for a fact we were put on this earth for a reason. How blessed we are that we get to parent , but we are so much more than our children. It is important for our kids to know that, too.
Anyway, thank you so much!
I am a breastfeeding mother and I feel very strongly that it is the most healthy way of feeding a child. That being said, I got pregnant when my son was 7 months old and I lost my milk supply. My son lost weight. Lots of it. He looked like a refugee baby. You could count all his ribs. At that time I switched to formula. While I was sad that I had to do so it also made sense for me to do it. My son was starving and I had to feed him.
A great example of formula being a blessing.
As a lactation consultant told me as I was struggling to breastfeed, “The most important thing is to feed the baby, it doesn’t matter how.”
That is a good lactation consultant!
I would love to help out in this. I think that no child should ever be hungry, especially since we live in a world of gluttony and wastefulness. Im not sure how I can help, or what you need, but lets talk and see if there is a way. I appreciate your views and opinions and think that your spirit is amazingly loving/caring, people need that more!
Hey Kirbie! I’m compiling an email list now. Look out for an email from me relatively soon.
I want to help…
Yay! Look out for an email from me.
yes yes yes! I always want to be involved!
Yes, Ruth! I wouldn’t think anything less from you!
hi jamie — i am not sure what i can manage, but i am interested and would like to learn more about the team and the work you will be doing. thank you! — jen
Hey Jen! There is always something you will do that will make an impact! Look out for my email
Please contact me on how I can help. I will be praying until I hear from you…
Hey Nicole! Look out for my email.
Please let me I is how to help.
Hey Terri! look out for my email!
I am a nurse and student-midwife and I would like to help. Loved reading your message – so true – we’ve got to keep things in perspective.
I don’t know what I can do, but I want to help.
I dont know how/what I could do, but I woud love to help/be involved in any way I could.
Katie look out for my email!
I would like to know how I can help.
Be on the lookout for our email!
Yes, I would like to be involved. I have not yet had the privilege to travel to Africa, but have seen the utter devastation starvation has left in Haiti. I would love to be apart of this project.
Check your inbox (and junk box) for our email!
Thanks for writing this post. Perspective is ALWAYS a good thing. Please include me in the e-mail!
Hi! I’ve been following you for quite some time…
I have been thinking about this recently, I saw a picture on FB that is imprinted in me and will probably never fade. It was a picture of a starved mother with a starved baby sucking at her empty breast (I am crying just writing about it).
I so want to help them, it is overwhelming to me.
But I have to say that formula is really an unfortunate solution for the famine stricken people; well, let’s just say it’s only a temporary solution (and I am convinced that it’s not the best one). You see, formula needs water – water is scarce and needs to be purified, bottles need to be sterilized. There are many many babies in developing countries who are on formula and are dying of diarrhea, etc. So I think, we need to feed the mothers and they will be then able to feed their babies.
Also have to add, I get really irritated with people who say that just bringing them food is not the solution, you know, this kind of reasoning: “Don’t give them fish, teach them to fish.” Well, how about we give them both? It’s hard to fish when you can’t even hold the fishing pole.
Please let me know what can I do!
Andrea, I completely agree. I wasn’t saying that the famine starved children should be given powder formula. I was more speaking up about how we have access to clean water, formula, and breastmilk…and here we are complaining about all the options we have. Seeing a child without any safe options is heartbreaking. I’m sure canned formula might be able to help, but that really wasn’t even the point. Access to clean water is incredibly important. I’ll add you to the email list. Right now most of us agree to do this correctly it will be a slow process, but we are willing to all put the work in to make this happen.
And I completely agree, again. Meet the immediate need and also plan for the future. My friend Enora wrote on my page a couple of days ago, “It isn’t charity, it is justice.” What a great quote. It is so true.
Jamie, thank you for adding me!
I love that quote, have to remember it.
my church just raised over $13,000 dollars to build wells in Burkina Faso in Africa. That is almost 8 wells to bring clean water to a country that is dying for clean water. i would love to be involved in whatever you are trying to do. i have watched the videos of children playing and drinking out of water that animals use to go to the bathroom in and my heart breaks.. please let me know
Jamie you have such a big heart and I am learning from you. Along with your wonderful husband daddy and I will take great care of the boys while you are in Ethiopia. We will be praying for you and your team. I love you. Mama
What can I do to help?
Jamie,
I want to help somehow. Please count me in
I hope I’m not too late to join in. I could hardly breathe when I scrolled down to that picture. I literally lost my breath and has to shut my eyes against the pain I felt. The caption broke my heart. I can picture it, I can feel it. The little babies straining and sucking with their last ounces of strength.
I’m crying now. I nurse my adopted daughter because she loves it and finds comfort in it, but I am not able to produce milk for her. I am so, so, very blessed to have formula readily and easily available to provide nourishment for her. It hurts so much to imagine if I did not have formula for her, and those moments of tenderly holding her close brought her no comfort as she starved in my arms.
I hope I am able to help in some way. Any way.
Hi Jamie, Please add me to your email list on ways we can help out.
I’m reading this laying in bed while nursing Atlas, my 8 week old chunky monkey- and crying Luke a baby. Please email me as well, I would love to help.
I’d be interested to receive an email to learn more and possibly help out if I can.
Please add me to your list.
I have been to Africa and I would love to help you all. Let me know what you all are trying to put into action.
I would like information on ways to help.
I am also a stay at home mom. But I would love to help any way I can.
First time commenter. . . I also believe no child should go hungry and would like to do what I can to help.
I seem to be in the minority among your commenters, in that I work full-time outside the home in addition to being a mother. That means I’m probably more able to donate money than time. Let me know how I can do so.
My mum had a lot of problem to be able to birth. After 6 years of fight between hospital, surgery and medications, my dad and she decided to adopt. They went to Poland to find my sister, when she was a week old. Two years later, she was pregnant with me. Both of us are miracles to them. Both of us were bottle fed.
Now, I have my own miracle and i am breastfeeding her. When I started breastfeeding my daughter, I asked myself a lot of question and one of them was: “why my mom didn’t choose to breastfeed me?”. When I asked her this question, here was her answer: “I couldn’t breastfeed your sister. I didn’t want her to feel deprived. I wanted you girls to be equal because you both are MY daughters”.
Sometimes, love is also in the choice of a bottle.
Amen, Pauline! It is about relieving the stigma against all healthy parenting choices and not judging others for their choices, because they really don’t know what is happening in each family.
By the way, can you add me to the email list please?
Would love to give you whatever help I can!!
Hey Pauline! I will add you on. I need to write back to our group. They haven’t heard from me since I returned!
What can I do to help?
Hi Jamie,
I read this post a week back and its stick in my mind ever since. Especially the imagery of trying to keep your starving child alive.
Could you email me how I could help? I live in Australia, but know my way around the internet.
Your story was lovely. But the picture of that starving child stole my attention. It’s so strange to think leftovers we throw out could save people. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.
Loved your post. I have 3 kids, 2 of them were bottlefed and its my first time to try breastfeeding with my third. I admit that sometimes there is guilt when I am unable to breastfeed due to work but I always think that my older two kids ended up ok even if they are bottlefed – classic example of how the media and society can put so much pressure on doing it the ‘natural’ way. Your right, its the mother’s choice on how they wish to rear their children. As long as your child is healthy and happy, it is the best way. We are blessed to have the capability to nurse or feed our children formula -much of it we take for granted -while many infants starve and suffer. Please add me to your mailing list, I would love the opportunity to help.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful perspective. I breastfeed my 13 month old son and will continue to do so as long as we both feel is right for us. Since becoming a mother and breast-feeder, I have become very passionate about these issues and about encouraging my friends and family to breastfeed. I go to rallies and nurse-ins, but I’m not “against” other moms. I have always believed that mothers need to support and encourage each other–not judge each other for our different parenting styles. Mostly this has been because I believe that different things “work” for different people and I know it can be hard to be a mom sometimes and that we all deserve respect for trying. But now I see that the technology of formula can be a beautiful blessing. I’m reminded of time I spent in West Africa before becoming a mother, the malnourished children I saw there, and the women who gave literally everything of themselves-mind, body, soul- to their families. If they are able to have formula to give their children nourishment, I want to support that. Again, thanks for opening my eyes.
On another note, I thoroughly enjoyed reading the article about your family in the pathways to wellness magazine. It was so positive.
I want to help. I am a mother to 3 boys and am currently nursing my 8 month old. The picture of the little boy brought tears to my eyes. It made me want to go to Africa and feed all the children. I am a SAHM, but would like to help as best as I can.