“I am grateful to have been loved and to be loved now and to be able to love, because that liberates. Love liberates. It doesn’t just hold—that’s ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.’” – Maya Angelou
In two days we leave for a month full of adventure, but that also means today is full of tedious packing and planning. The most important task we need to accomplish is collecting drawings, videos, and photos of Samuel and Aram for Ama (Samuel’s birth mother).
I was trying to put myself in her shoes today. Samuel was 3.5 years old when he entered the orphanage and a month shy of 4 the last time she saw him. It makes me angry for her. I think of the age Samuel was when we brought him home and how that is the same exact age Aram was in May. The irony of promoting attachment parenting and then knowing my oldest child and first mother were tragically detached from one another seems completely unfair and heartbreaking.
I’ve had people say to me that “over there” losing a child is expected, and the mindset of mothers is different. No, it’s not. Humans are humans and mothers are mothers, regardless of geographic location. Knowing that you’ve made a selfless sacrifice to give your child to someone else to raise out of necessity for his well-being and livelihood doesn’t make it any easier to give up a child you have deeply loved and cared for over the course of four years. The pain is still the same. Understanding her love for Samuel during a conversation with her proved just that. It is almost unlivable to know you have to give your child to another family when you don’t know the family, you don’t know if they are caring for him well, you don’t know if you will ever see him again, if he is happy, if he is healthy. Could you imagine having to live with that? A birth mother who gave her child up for adoption during the era of strict closed adoptions described it as the death of a loved one, only worse because there is no closure of knowing they are okay or at peace.
When people want to know why it is so important to keep a close relationship with Samuel’s birth mother, we explain that it is because we understand the importance of the relationships he formed the first three years of his life. We also understand his mother’s love and her need to make sure she always feels connected to him. As much as Samuel loves us we also love that he is aware I am not his only mother. At the grocery store last week a woman was chatting with the boys in an aisle. Samuel said, “I’m from Ethiopia!” Aram then said, “I’m from mommy’s tummy” and Samuel added, “I’m from Ama’s tummy! I have two mommies!” The woman smiled brightly when she saw how excited Samuel was to talk about his family, his entire family.
I think what I am most excited to share with Samuel’s mother is the journal I started writing for her when Samuel arrived home. I wanted to hand deliver it and make sure I had a translator. I wanted her to be as connected as possible with what has been going on since he left her side. I wrote it for her, but also as an outlet for myself. It’s elating to know she will finally get to read or listen to my thoughts from these past twenty months and hopefully be able to better understand the love and devotion we have for her (our) child.
So while making sure to bring an adequate amount of underwear is important, this trip is proving to be even more difficult to pack for because some of these items have extreme emotional value.
You are so unselfish in this journey. What a blessing that is and will be to Samuel and Ama and hopefully to your whole family in return. Have a wonderful trip!
J–this brought tears to my eyes. Giving Samuel for adoption was undoubtedly the hardest thing his first mother had to ever do, the blind hope and trust that her son’s life in an orphanage or with another family would be better than the life she could offer him, which would be filled with love, but maybe not a lot of other things. Your words to her will mean so much, giving her a bit of a chance to experience the past couple of years of Samuel’s life. It won’t fill the hole, but it will bring her more peace.
This is such an amazing opportunity. Your family is so lucky to be able to have a relationship with Ama and the fact that you will be able to meet with her in Ethiopia is wonderful! So often in international adoption the child loses not only their family ties but also their entire cultural background. The way you and your husband work to keep Aram rooted in his culture and first-family is really inspirational. I can’t wait to hear about all you do in Ethiopia!
It’s absolutely beautiful what you are doing and the bonds you are strengthening with your tremendous empathy and love for others.
You are just wonderful. I know I say that a lot. I swear I’m not obsessed with you, haha. You just live a completely different life than I do and I am enamored by it.
I have a half sister who was placed in an adoptive family during the 70s, during the time of strictly closed adoptions. The journey of her finding her birth mother, her birth father (my dad) and eventually me is marked with sadness. However, after many many years, we now call each other friends. One big difference though is, to her we are not family, as she never knew us that way. It’s hard, but I understand. I think it’s wonderful that Samuel gets to have two families. I wish it could be like that with my sister, too. To me, she is family.
definitely had tears in my eyes reading this. how lucky is Aram to have two mothers who have loved him so much.. one gave him up so he could have life and another is making his life whole. his birth mother made probably the hardest decision of her life, knowing that there was a chance that she could not see him again and could only hope that he was ok- and lucky for her, she gets to see that he is. i too, cant wait to hear all about the trip.. very excited..
I have no words to try and explain how I feel… all I can say is that I think what you’re doing is so beautiful. God bless and safe travels.
This post is so beautiful. But even more beautiful– your sweet tender unselfish spirit. You are going to reap such wonderful fruits from all your efforts. God has blessed you but you are blessing Him in return with your sacrifices for others. Aram and Samuel are SO lucky! And you are BLESSED to have them as children!
I am not a new mom, nursing mom, attachment parent mom or adoptive mom… but i am a mama to two grown daughters that are 20 and 23. I have never commented before and only started reading your blog when the Time cover came out but as i have continued to read your words i can reconnect with my past mama-self and travel back in time a bit. Janet’s comment states EXACTLY how I felt reading this post. And the Maya Angelou quote was perfect (i had the privledge of seeing her and listening to her words in person last year -amazing!!) Wishing you and your family an amazing, safe, beautiful trip because your readers can’t wait to hear all about it when you return.
I can’t even imagine what that would be like, to be a mother giving s child up for adoption. God bless your family, and Ama.
I just have so many emotions going after reading this. I can’t wait til hear more… Have a safe journey!
You are so brave, so smart and so humanistic when it comes to your children. We tend to be so selfish as Americans or maybe even as human beings about our children. It makes me think of my sister in law telling me how her adopted son gets sad around mother’s day each year. I thought about how much that would hurt my feelings, how insignificant I would feel as a mother. But really, it’s a natural, normal feeling that we should nurture and respect parent to child and even mother to mother.
Thank you for sharing. And have a wonderful journey.
Wow, how incredibly humbling.
Thank you for sharing such beauty.
Sending you much safety & joy on your trip & can’t wait to learn more xox
When we met H’s birth mother I told her that I was breastfeeding our daughter. She rose and hugged me and called on Mary to bless me. Wasn’t expecting that. Thought I’d share thatsince I know Samuel nursed and it helped deepen his bond. I imagine that would be comforting for his mom to know. Safe travels. The boys are going with?
Jenny! Wow! I knew she was happy about you breastfeeding her, but I never heard the details. That is amazing! The boys are staying for this trip. Next time!
wow, this is so great, Jamie! I’ll look forward to reading about how everything goes!
Sending love and peace to you and Ama on your journey. Samuel and Aram are going to grow up strong and bonded, Samuel will never have to doubt that he was truly loved by 2 mothers. Love it and can’t wait to hear about your time in Ethiopia.
How awesome to meet Samuels birth mother!! I can’t imagine how excited you are!
Ok Let me just say that you are one of those too good to be true people (but I can tell it is true!). I heard about you first from The Woman Formerly Known as Beautiful blog. Your video about Samuel’s adoption is so lovely it brought tears to my eyes. I commend you for working so hard to keep Samuel’s birth mother in his life. As a mother of 3 I know that giving up a child because you can’t afford to keep him must practically tear you in two. You are as beautiful on the inside as your are on the outside. What an inspiration!