You know what I hate? When you have to see something someone else is going through before you put things into perspective and appreciate what you have.
Yesterday I took the kids to Disneyland for a few hours of fun. I was sidetracked by other work I was attending to during the day (I received 15 calls in 10 minutes at one point) and was not being present with the boys.
To make matters worse it was raining pretty significantly by the time we got there. I was going through the motions of being attentive, but not enjoying the day or, more importantly, my kids.
Samuel was talking to a little boy around 7 years old next to us when he tapped me to say, “Mom! His family is like ours! Beige and brown! His daddy is brown and his mommy is beige.” Samuel looked over at the family and had a more curious and somber look on his face. I turned to the family and realized the mother was sitting in a wheelchair with a scarf around her bald head.
Samuel and Aram were still chatting with their new friend when the family introduced themselves as our children played together. The boy’s mother had cancer, and normally I’m able to stay positive about treatments, or keep myself emotionally out of situations I can’t help, but I couldn’t this time. She is in a state where she does not have much time to live, and they were taking their son to Disneyland as a way to get his mind off of the fact he was going to lose his mom. It also was going to be the last trip they took as a family.
Brian’s mom died of cancer when he was 8. A few months before she died they took Brian and his brother to Disney World. Brian remembers that trip so well, and talks about it all the time. The memory is really important and special to him; it was one of the last happy memories he has of his family when his mom was sick.
I was thinking of Brian’s story as I heard of an almost identical story in this family. We eventually said our goodbyes and as I was walking away from the family, I lost it. My kids will probably put this in the record books as the worst trip to Disneyland- Ever: it was raining, their mom wasn’t being present, now feeling totally guilty for it, but was bawling audibly at the happiest place on earth. My kids hate it when I cry- I hated it when my mom cried, but I couldn’t help it. Aram looked really upset. “Mommy… why are you crying?” To make matters worse, I had to decide what to tell them. Should I lie for their sake and say I had something in my eye? No, I was already feeling guilty, no need to feel worse knowing I lied to my kids. I told them the truth and hoped for the best: “Mommy is sad because that little boy’s mommy is very sick.” Samuel was already concerned about the mom before I said anything was wrong, but now he was really looking worried. “Will they take her to the doctor and make her all better?” Ugh, this is hard…. “I’m not sure if she will get all better buddy, she’s really sick.” Samuel and Aram both were silently and intensely staring at me as I explained this, holding on to every word with concern for the family they just met.
It was such a learning lesson to watch my boys, sitting still (for once), listening and asking questions with such empathy one would assume they knew these people their whole life, and realize I was wasting an entire day with them. They have a mother, ME! It took that moment to make me realize having a mother and being a mother is not something to take for granted. We always hear life is precious and fragile, but I don’t think we are aware of the reality of life on a daily basis. Perhaps it is a defense mechanism: our minds keep us out of dark places so we can move through daily activities with ease. However, when those moments open up and we see life for what it is, we need to take the opportunity to learn from it.
Author Toni Morrison was on Oprah years ago, way before I had kids. Her words from that show came flooding back to me this day. As mothers, we have the power to make our children feel important, confident, and loved. We do that by being present in the moment. By the sheer expression of our face, Toni eloquently explains, our face expresses what is in our heart. She asks all of us when our child enters a room, “does your face light up?” She elaborated in another interview the moment when her young son brought her a picture he drew and she didn’t really look at it well because she was busy with “I don’t even remember, something I felt at the time was important.” He watched her reaction and without saying anything he stood there and ripped up the picture. She turned and asked him why he did it and he made a comment explaining why he had done so that broke her heart, because she knew it had made him feel insignificant compared to whatever she was working on. That is when she realized her attention was one of the most important things she could give her children.
Validation and approval are important to our kids. They need to know they are heard and we are present. Life gets chaotic and it is hard to do sometimes, but we need to make a conscious effort for our kids to not slip into a habit of physically being there, but not actually being present in their lives. They are so important and this is a crucial time in their life where they need to be lead on a path of confidence knowing they have a voice that will be heard, and their words are being expressed well and enjoyed.
Next time you see your kids in the morning make sure you, “Let your face say what your heart feels.”
Not to put any pressure on you but your blog is such a must read for me as a mother. I learn so much from you and I relate to so much of what you share. I feel that all I am learning through this wonderful spot on the web is making me a better mother, or at least one who is trying to improve.
Thank you.
Thank you so much Laura. How many kids do you have? How old?
It’s me, Spank! lol
Mimi is 10 and Max is 7.
LMAO!!! I didn’t look at the Email- I thought it was the other Laura. I freakin’ love you Spank…
What a beautiful reminder. Thank you.
It is so easy to forget.
what a beautiful reminder of the importance of MOM in our kids’ lives. I’ll be thinking of the sick mother today and pray that she is able to stay with her family a little longer…
I’m so sorry. We’ll be praying for her over here today. Let us know how she is doing…
Woah this was an emotional post for me to read! I lost my grandmother (who I looked at as more of a mother) to cancer when I was 14. What a reminder to be present for our children, it’s something all mothers struggle with. Sometimes we really just can’t do it all and it’s the hardest balancing act in the world!
It is a hard balancing act. We need to understand the importance of our individual identity and our role as wife and mother…it is such a delicate balance and sometimes we need to readjust when we start focusing time in one area and neglecting others.
I am so sorry you lost your grandmother at 14. That age is hard enough as it is. Having a mother figure being taken from you during that time seems unbearable. I’m so so sorry.
This is such an amazing post! Such a good reminder to never take life for granted!
Thanks Kari!
Tears. Thank you for this, we all get busy with our day to day stuff and sometimes need to stop everything and enjoy the small things with our kids, we never know how long we’ll be here to enjoy them.
I know. It’s kind of a morbid thought…I really try not to go there, but sometimes we need to remember that is reality.
Love it!!!! seriously ypu made me cry and you are sooooo right! I try this everyday but some days we get caught up in unimportant things that we forget what life is all about
Thanks Tania!
Beautiful post. It really does put things into perspective. Thank you!
Thanks Ericka!
Hi honey — don’t be too hard on yourself. We all have so much competing for our attention that it’s easy to check out from time to time. I always console myself by thinking, “Well, Paris Hilton could be their mother.”
Hah! This was an awesome comment to break up some more of the serious ones. How did you get so funny? Did you drink from a cup Lucille Ball sipped from?
This is such a tremendous post, we all need these reminders and once again you have shared something so personal and it serves to benefit all of us. Thank you. I agree with all the lovely and complimentary posts above; but Shannon Bradley-Colleary actually made me spit out my water with a big and much-needed surprise laugh. Awesome.
I know! She is great! She could do stand up at a funeral and still be respectful while making the entire room laugh. That is talent right there.
I think being present for humans in general is extremely important – I don’t have kids, but recognize myself as Toni Morrison, not paying attention to my husband, and seeing his face fall when he’s asking for attention, approval, approbation. Often we can learn how to deal better with our friends, family and loved ones through our interactions with children – because in a sense we are all children in our core. We just acquire baggage and bullshit to adorn the outside, and pretend that being an adult somehow makes us immune to – say, feeling slighted when we ask someone to listen to us for a moment.
Exactly! That is a great point! It isn’t just kids- everyone important in our lives.
This is such a beautiful post. I’ve been known to not be present. not anymore. thanks for the reminder.
Thanks Pattie.
such a a great post to not take anything for granted for sure.
Jamie, I am always amazed at how much you have to say, and how beautifully you say it. I am so glad you are “present” in our lives….
Aw thanks Mama Grumet! When are we seeing you guys?
Thank you for posting this. I’ve been following your blog for awhile and this is the first entry where I’ve really just had to post a comment and say thank you. Not sure what about it made me cry– the story about the mother at Disney, the reminder of how powerful we are as mothers, the realizing how hard it is to be present for our kids, the realizing how delicate life (and this young time in our kids’ lives!) is– but thank you.
And I also got mistaken for the babysitter today.
Thank you so much Annie! Well, I’m glad I wasn’t the only one crying! (At least you weren’t doing it at Disneyland!)
Hah! Was this the first time someone thought you were the babysitter?
Such a fabulous post. This is a topic I have been struggling with for a while… I could get a 9-5 job and not only not be present much, but also not net much after child care. Or I could make my own business… and still not be present much, but at least I am the boss and I am making a decent living – but very often I work all night and all weekend, and then during the day I’m like “mommy is trying to respond to a work email.” I feel so blessed that my business has taken off, but it’s at the expense of the time I was supposed to be spending with my kids. I miss just being a mom.