Dear Universe,
I am a closet narcissist.
Ashley Judd recently wrote wonderful empowering article in response to the media’s attack on her “puffy face.” It is no secret I am in love with the Judds. Each one of the ladies has unique attributes. Ashley shows poise and grace, while remaining strong and beautiful. I adore her.
After I read her article I went upstairs, showered, and upon looking in the mirror.
THERE IT WAS- I discovered my first wrinkle.
So, I did what any self-respecting woman would do- I made a dermatologist appointment for a filler.
All of my warm fuzzy feelings from Ashley Judd’s self-acceptance article went out the window.
I then realized I am all about focusing on internal qualities, self-acceptance of my body, and loving who I am…As long as I look exactly what I want to look like while all this self-love is taking place. (Did I miss the point?)
So, off I went to the dermatologist.
Dr: Your skin is looking great, but I think I want to switch you to Retin-A micro.
Me: Actually, I am here because I think we are ready to take the next step in our relationship…I want an injection.
Dr. You are 25?
Me: Actually, I just turned 26. See, I have a smile line on one side…right here…
Dr: Examining the area closely – Hmm I see what you’re talking about
Me: YES, let’s fix this bad boy!
Dr: Have you been using Retin-A in this area?
Me: Yes…
Dr: Did you notice this line when you started using it?
Me: Yes, and I applied extra on because I’ve heard it prevents wrinkles.
Dr: It does, but not in this area. Don’t use it around your eyes or mouth.
Me: Okay! Now let’s fill it!
Dr: It doesn’t need to be filled. Stop using Retin-A
Me: What!? You aren’t going to give me my filler!? I’m the patient! If I want a syringe full of botchulism stabbed into my face, then that is what shall be! The customer is always right.
Dr: It is painful procedure and you don’t need it.
Me: Hah, procedure? I scoff at term. The right of passage for every adolescent female in my family is a nose and boob job! A little Juvederm is child’s play.
Dr: looks down at my chest confused… I am not doing it, you don’t need it. It would be in poor taste if I did it.
Me: I will have you disbarred!
Dr: I’m not a lawyer…
The doctor left me at that point.
It was a very hideous un-Ashley moment. I also realized in that moment that was my true authentic self… How sad.
I went home and did not use Retin-A the following days.
I now have pimples, but my wrinkle has miraculously vanished.
So, I am left with acne and the realization of my ugly truth.
Sigh…
I now know that when push comes to shove, I am a lot of talk about loving what God gave you, but deep down it is not how I feel about myself. I truly am a product of my environment. The sexist and objectifying images I’ve been bombarded with all these years really have affected me! It’s clear my extensive history with India Arie did not counteract my vanity.
This is horrifying.
I hope one day I will be excited about aging gracefully. A soft fold and wrinkle will look lovely (with strategically placed botox)…. And I will be openly outraged, shaming the people criticizing my aging body.
But…I’m not ready yet.
Sincerely,
Future Puffy Face
OMG this entire thing made me laugh SO hard! I also know exactly where you’re at… I want ALL my friends to feel confident and beautiful with what God gave them… except me. I want to be the perfect version of me in my head (and the head of the hot guy on the 2nd floor).
LOL exactly! Geez, Spank- We need to start our own secret narcissist club. Like fight club. Only without the fighting- it will mess up our freshly botoxed faces.
The first rule of Narcissist Club is *holds up a finger* Wait a second… *looks in the mirror to carefully examine my *coughs*work*coughs* then turns back to you with a wide smile* Okay, so the first rule of Narcissist Club is We don’t talk about theworkwehaddonein The Narcissist Club. *tries to raise a brow, perfecting the Joan Rivers frozen face effect*
BWAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! deal
This makes me want to give you a big hug! I am always amazed to hear of 20-somethings rushing off to fill in wrinkles and fix “imperfections!” And I hear of it a lot now. This topic is definitely something I want to write more about in the days to come.
In my experience, the women who seem to have the hardest time with aging are the most physically beautiful and youthful-looking ones. Which seems odd, but I think it’s because when you’re beautiful and sexy most of your life, and you resemble media images quite closely, you sub-consciously learn to place much of your identity and worth in your physical appearance. That’s what you get compliments on, that’s what you get attention for before anything else. The girls who are not so physically beautiful, who do not get attention for being sexy, tend to receive praise for their intellect, talents, pursuits, etc. so they learn to place more of their worth and identity in these things. (Not that a beautiful woman doesn’t find some of her worth in other areas, but generally, down deep, her sense of worth and desirability is connected to how she looks.) This is just what I’ve noticed, over and over again, among all my women friends and clients I’ve worked with over the years.
We’re all affected by media images and cultural expectations to one degree or another, but we can choose to be part of creating a different culture. It starts with shifting our worth from a narrow idea of physical beauty to something greater and more freeing. This has to happen on a deep level though, in our hearts and souls, so it takes time. I think it’s primarily a spiritual exercise.
I agree! It starts with us. We need to demand change. I mean, I am not even (or atleast I thought) as bad as most- and look at what has become of me! I would say I’m glad to have only boys, but it seems to be affecting both sexes in our culture. Also, my boys will have to marry these woman, and they may have girls…and on goes the perpetual problem
funny… but as someone old enough to be your mother – don’t start now! embrace your natural beauty as long as you can … seriously
LOL don’t worry…my face still has no synthetic serums in it…but it is only a matter of time
That takes real guts to be so honest with yourself and your friends about a moment like this. Thank you so much for opening up. I’m glad I’m not the only one has these sorts of moments… =)
Nicky! Oh thank you so much for commenting. I’m glad to know I’m not alone! The plight of a woman…
You’ve had a boob job too?
I love that I have a friend who has no problem with this stuff. I’ve not yet ruled out lipo, and just about everyone I know is 100000% against it! Believe me, the ONLY thing holding me back is that I don’t have $4K to spend on it.
I don’t know about Botox, tho. You’re on your own with that.
And also YOU ARE GORGEOUS and you truly don’t need it.
LOL no, the doctor looked down at my chest confused when I said this
– actually I probably wouldn’t have even had a nose job if it weren’t for my buddy Anthony Melendez breaking it with a potato. I was the most confident of the women in my immediate family….probably because I was breastfed 
(hah jk)
Haha no botox? How about restalyn?
Wait, you are only 26?? You do look youthful and wrinkle-free, but if you’re really just 26 you can’t complain about wrinkles for a minimum of 15 more years!!
LOL thanks Amelia…I wonder what kind of fillers will be available in 15 years…
I think this is my favorite post of yours so far. So relatable. But don’t get filler EVER! I really think the filler makes women look like they’ve been embalmed for viewing in a casket at a funeral. Creepy. Also read Ashley’s piece and fell madly in love with her righteous fire and her incredible mind. Kisses.
Well according to Amelia I have to wait 15 years. Hopefully the fillers will be better and less of a corpse appearance by then!
And thank you- I love you! XO
I just discovered MY first wrinkle! I’m not happy at all. I want to do something about it. But if you go all botox and can’t move your forehead, I do reserve the right to tease you.
Seriously, only you could away with that.
my “wrinkle” went away….but from my lack of retin-a I have sprouted pimples. Feel free to call me pizza face.
LOL!! I got such a kick out of this doctor convo!
Giggle, you crack me up. ….When I saw Ashley Judd’s photo for the new show a while ago, I looked over to my husband and said” she has the same cheeks I have now, I bet she’s on the same medication” I think it is interesting how people immediately go to the “plastic surgery” change. Didn’t it occur to anyone else that there may be another cause for her rounded cheeks? I think she looks lovely either way though. Me on the other hand..well I hate my puff cheeks but my grandchildren love them. Just goes to show we are our own worst critic. You are lovely, don’t get injections! Hugs
One day at a time. Grace for yourself and your body is like Bambi’s mom in the forest. She’s beautiful and arresting, but you know some dude is out there trying to murder her. Run, Bambi’s mama, run!
At 26, I had no thoughts about wrinkles except as something for Future Deborah to worry about. And now that future is here. I turn 45 tomorrow. I have some wrinkles, but I’m pretty much okay with it. No cosmetic procedures. (Not even an eyebrow wax–a situation that desperately needs to be remedied!) And none planned.
I do wish I’d appreciated what I had at 26, 16, even 36 more. Lots of women say that. I just want to feel sexy and beautiful all my days. I want that for you too.
I honestly think you maid me cry I laught out loud at your yelling at the doctor. Seriously girl you don’t need fillers yet!
Let me spare you the admonishments for thinking you need ANYTHING; I will smack you upside the head when I see you next. If I were truthful about what I really thought when I read the diatribe by Ashley Judd was this: NOW she doesn’t like the scrutiny? Of all the celebrities I can think of, she has had least mean girl / bad publicity of all. That she’s in her forties now and doesn’t look as fresh as she once did annoys me much less than that she thinks she needs to educate all of us on her pain and the proper way to treat one another. It actually smacked of sour grapes when I read it. So load the tomato launcher – if you want to be famous, this is all part of it, whether or not you like it.
Jamie,
You are beautiful. Don’t let anything, I mean anything touch your face.
My quick story:
I went to a Medspa in NC in 2007 and the esthetician said she had a machine that would take my sunspots off. I grew up in southern California, so I had a few. The machine was an IPL. I had the procedure, went home and that was the beginning of the nightmare. Burning, fat atrophy, dents. It was horrific. I had to have five fat grafting surgeries to rebuild my face. All from one trip to a spa. (google laser and fat atrophy, that’s what I had)
Let’s grow old gracefully girls. Trust me on this.
Disbarred…lmao. Good stuff.