I am a closet narcissist.
Ashley Judd recently wrote wonderful empowering article in response to the media’s attack on her “puffy face.” It is no secret I am in love with the Judds. Each one of the ladies has unique attributes. Ashley shows poise and grace, while remaining strong and beautiful. I adore her.
After I read her article I went upstairs, showered, and upon looking in the mirror.
THERE IT WAS- I discovered my first wrinkle.
So, I did what any self-respecting woman would do- I made a dermatologist appointment for a filler.
All of my warm fuzzy feelings from Ashley Judd’s self-acceptance article went out the window.
I then realized I am all about focusing on internal qualities, self-acceptance of my body, and loving who I am…As long as I look exactly what I want to look like while all this self-love is taking place. (Did I miss the point?)
So, off I went to the dermatologist.
Dr: Your skin is looking great, but I think I want to switch you to Retin-A micro.
Me: Actually, I am here because I think we are ready to take the next step in our relationship…I want an injection.
Dr. You are 25?
Me: Actually, I just turned 26. See, I have a smile line on one side…right here…
Dr: Examining the area closely – Hmm I see what you’re talking about
Me: YES, let’s fix this bad boy!
Dr: Have you been using Retin-A in this area?
Dr: Did you notice this line when you started using it?
Me: Yes, and I applied extra on because I’ve heard it prevents wrinkles.
Dr: It does, but not in this area. Don’t use it around your eyes or mouth.
Me: Okay! Now let’s fill it!
Dr: It doesn’t need to be filled. Stop using Retin-A
Me: What!? You aren’t going to give me my filler!? I’m the patient! If I want a syringe full of botchulism stabbed into my face, then that is what shall be! The customer is always right.
Dr: It is painful procedure and you don’t need it.
Me: Hah, procedure? I scoff at term. The right of passage for every adolescent female in my family is a nose and boob job! A little Juvederm is child’s play.
Dr: looks down at my chest confused… I am not doing it, you don’t need it. It would be in poor taste if I did it.
Me: I will have you disbarred!
Dr: I’m not a lawyer…
The doctor left me at that point.
It was a very hideous un-Ashley moment. I also realized in that moment that was my true authentic self… How sad.
I went home and did not use Retin-A the following days.
I now have pimples, but my wrinkle has miraculously vanished.
So, I am left with acne and the realization of my ugly truth.
I now know that when push comes to shove, I am a lot of talk about loving what God gave you, but deep down it is not how I feel about myself. I truly am a product of my environment. The sexist and objectifying images I’ve been bombarded with all these years really have affected me! It’s clear my extensive history with India Arie did not counteract my vanity.
This is horrifying.
I hope one day I will be excited about aging gracefully. A soft fold and wrinkle will look lovely (with strategically placed botox)…. And I will be openly outraged, shaming the people criticizing my aging body.
But…I’m not ready yet.
Future Puffy Face